alt Hacker NewsHow to talk to anyone and why you should
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My recently deceased mother had a talent for talking to anyone at any time in any language. She's always been incredibly social and could establish connections with strangers very rapidly. One time she brought in a school teacher/sheep farmer from Dagestan selling yarn from his sheep's wool, she met him at the market and bought all yarn and asked if he had somewhere to stay before going back, and he didn't. He stayed in our house for a couple of nights, and then we visited him in that little village in mountains of Dagestan on a summer vacation, talk about going back a few centuries in time, an incredible and unusual experience.
I've had to spend week and a half battling Gmail daily email account limits sending batches of 500 emails just to notify people in her address book, receiving hundreds of responses. Her memorial was attended by hundreds of people.
It served her very well in her chosen career of real estate sales, although I think she'd might have done really well in community organizing or even politics where those skills are also very useful.
On the flip side, it was sometimes difficult to be there as family wanting some attention, since her bright light was always shining in many directions.
I've inherited just some of that talent, and I think it is a talent, but trainable.
I miss her already.
I talk to everyone. My friends and family joke that it’s impossible for me to go anywhere without getting into conversation with someone. I can’t imagine not doing it. Earlier this year I walked down the main shopping street it the part of the large city where I live, with a colleague from out of town.
A few shopkeepers waved through their windows as I went past, the greengrocer came out of his shop to have a quick chat, the dry cleaner asked after my dog, and the guy from the household shop told me they have more of the cleaning paste I use. We bumped into a couple of folk I see every couple of weeks, then got a coffee and I paid the “special” rate rather than the rate on the sign that they charge people they don’t know.
My colleague said - half jokingly - “I didn’t realise you were mayor”, and tried to convince me that I should go into local politics. She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous.
I can’t imagine not talking to people. A while back I changed the route I take when I walk my dogs each day, and the guy who runs the local fish stall started asking people if I had left the area or died. I don’t buy fish from him each week- but every time I see him stop and we have a chat.
I feel incredibly lucky to be missed by my fishmonger just because I started walking my dogs a different route.
I grew up in a tiny village in the country. The building I live in has hundreds of people living in it, compared to the few dozen houses where I grew up. I think talking to people makes a huge city feel smaller.
It makes me sad that my reaction to this piece is so cynical, but I really think that 90% of the "how" in this article is "be an older British lady". If you're missing that vital piece you'll quickly meet many people who "don't have any money", or just remembered they meant to be walking on the other side of the street, or worse. Talking to strangers when people see you as a threat feels really shitty (for everyone involved) and can be dangerous.
I've been subconsciously doing this forever and after hundreds if no thousands of interaction have lately been assessing its outcome as more neutral than the article frames it. On the long run while mildly pleasant, you realise how shallow these conversations are and they have not brought anything valuable to your life. Maybe stopping for a while would lead to further realisation but I don't think so.
The most positive effect it has had on me is to make me enjoy even more deep conversations with my friends.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give, something that has helped me start talking more with strangers, is this:
When I’m speaking to someone in a service role, like a waiter, a cashier, or a salesperson, I remind myself that I’m just one of hundreds of people they interact with that day. To them, I’m simply another brief interaction. So if I say something awkward or if the conversation doesn’t flow perfectly, it’s not a big deal. It’s probably just one small, forgettable moment in a long series of conversations they will have that day.
Thinking about it that way helps me relax and not put so much pressure on myself. At the same time, some of the most meaningful or unexpected opportunities can come from simple conversations with strangers. You never really know what a small interaction might lead to, whether it is a new connection, a new perspective, or even an open door you did not see before.
I went through a phase where I forced myself to socialise a lot to overcome social awkwardness and anxiety. Was well worth it, both in terms of leveling up my social skills but also in terms of eventually becoming very comfortable with myself.
The main ingredient, at least for me, was being determined enough to push through the discomfort. A lot of the early interactions were awkward, sometimes overtly uncomfortable, but that's an unavoidable part of the learning process (and I took a key lesson from it - it's okay to look like a dork, usually it's only our inner critic that turns it into an immortal sin).
Nowadays I feel a pang of sympathy when I see someone feeling shy or speaking in self-deprecating terms. I remember how that felt, and I remember how easy it would have been to have stayed inside that box for the rest of my life.
Glad I didn't.
I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos.
Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...
I think people also overlook opportunities to talk... at their peril.
I remember going to a motel (they actually had cabins) to reserve a place for relatives coming into town. The owner was a nice guy, and he ran the whole place himself.
I took the girlfriend with me, drove over and we walked over to talk to him. As I started the conversation, you could see he took pride in his place and he was a garrulous guy with sort of a twinkle in his eye.
"How much will this cost?!" the girlfriend blurted out.
All of a sudden the blossoming conversation ground to a halt, as he put his hand on the back of his neck and started thinking about what a cheap room would go for.
We talked about it later, sort of like "I think we were all starting to form a relationship at the start of the conversation, and we lost an opportunity"
I think all of us have these opportunities to form a relationship with lots of people we interact with every day, and we can allow it or deny it.
> Talking with strangers is surprisingly informative
I think this should be a key point here, for people motivated by curiosity. I don't seek out conversations with strangers, but when they happen I lean heavily into this aspect.
My pro-tip for talking to strangers is to talk about them; ask where they're from, what they do, how their job works, and so on... They are usually more than happy to carry the conversation, they feel like they're being appreciated for being interesting, and you learn so much.
As a throwaway example, I found out from someone at a bar that composing music specifically for movie trailers is a business in itself, and the creators do not even know what movie or what trailer their music will be used for. They get direction, they deliver the music, and usually only find out when the trailer is released. Isn't that interesting?
And if they ask about you, even easier, you get to feel interesting instead!
I was always very uncomfortable socializing growing up and still am, but just like with anything, it gets easier with practice. (Alcohol helps too, if that's an option!)
> "As we walked home, my 15-year-old son asked: “Is it OK to talk to people in that way?” “What way?” He was asking about the boundaries when it comes to talking to someone about their home country."
My 13 year old is the opposite. He is always telling me that I talk too much to "strangers" and that "people don't to that". I'm assuming he means his peers.
I had a long conversation with a fellow parent sitting next to me at soccer practice today. Never met her before in my life, but we just started chatting about soccer logistics, and then I just started asking her about her life. I learned about her 5 kids, her tough relationship situation with her spouse of 16 years, her having moved here from Arkansas as a child, her feelings about how gentrification damaging local communities, her dream of moving out of the USA to another country, how there are the same kinds of social problems most places, how we can come to empathize more with our parents as we get older, and probably more things too I'm not remembering. These are the kinds of things you can talk about if you happen to have good rapport with someone and they feel like it...
I won't say I have conversations with strangers like that all the time, but it is 100% possible, and a lot of people really do appreciate it if you bother to talk to them. People often like being asked about themselves (I used to do cultural anthropology research so I have had quite a bit of practice too...).
There are of course reasons why it doesn't always work or becomes awkward. For example, gender is a factor - a significant part of the population is much more comfortable having same-sex conversations with strangers - not to mention other sociological factors around race, class, nationality, all the obvious things.
One thing I've done to improve my communication with strangers is to stop trying to think of the perfect way to start a conversation or question.
Some of the best conversations I've had started by me asking or telling someone something in a awkward or overly simplified way at first. It takes the pressure off of both of you and a more natural conversation takes place as you both work to get on the same page, which takes time and leads to more conversation.
In the past I'd think of the perfect sentence with little nuances and edge cases covered in that sentence to what I was trying to convey, which would result in no real conversation to even take place.
Of course you will run into people who are unfriendly and won't receive this well but overall it's lead to more pleasant and natural conversations.
My kids make fun of me because I know the shopkeepers around me by first name, along with the details of their businesses , and that shopping takes forever because I talk to everyone, customers included.
I just love it, it’s easy and I get a lot in return - from perks to incredible encounters. At work it’s been very helpful.
I developed that skill while traveling alone for a year , and it boils down to practicing and reading whether the person you’re talking to is ok with your talking or not.
In any case, it makes me immensely happy.
It is a hard skill, but I do recommend it. I have always struggled with initiating a conversation with a stranger, but 99 times out of 100 it has turned out well. My teenage daughter just stands there agape when I do it, she is still struggling even to speak up to the cashier taking her fast food order. I keep telling her that it makes me pretty nervous too, but it is so worth taking the little leap.
We are living in a dictatorship of extroverts, who go out of their way (what a suprprise) to tell us that their ways are obviously better.
I've always done this. Used to drive my mom nuts at the grocery store just asking people random shit about the stuff they're buying. Have lived all over the US in various downtowns. You can learn so much about a city, what's actually good there, just by asking everyone you can.
Unsure of what a lot of people in this thread are talking about, they have been misled into believing some very antisocial things and do not seem pleasant. Perhaps it is best they stay inside and do not talk to anyone.
I am not an old british lady or a 7ft tall underwear model / pro athlete, I'm just some dude. The closest thing to a change I've experienced is having to be more proactive about smiling or demonstrating that I am not what others have very legitimate cause to fear as of recent. That sucks a lot and makes me quite sad.
Not saying bad things don't happen, but I've certainly never worried about violence up until recently. Unspoken social contracts are being broken by people who have not considered the consequences, my heart breaks for them and what will have to happen next.
The world is much smaller than you realize. If 90% of everyone was crooks or criminals, you would not be posting that shit right now, because you would not be alive. They don't do that because it's bad for business. A lot of what is happening right now is predicated on the concept of there being some amount of business that is okay to lose in exchange for... problematic ideals. Business will win
One of my best stranger conversations talking to a “Big Issue” [1] seller outside a supermarket. As I understand, they’re (close to) homeless usually.
When I asked about him, he mentioned he’s Irish but moved on to tell me about his plans. How he was saving to have a farm, planned what to grow, animals - 15m of quite precise description. His story was his future.
This was striking for me - when asked most people tell you about their past, where they’re coming from. It was the first time I realised that where we’re going should be a bigger part of our story and identity.
I try to keep that conversation in mind as a lesson, and as a reminder to talk to people around.
I've had to force myself to be more social in some instances in order to set an example, specifically for my niece who has/had quite a bit of social anxiety. Being a regular at the local Friday night rollerskating, I got to know quite a few of the other regulars, including younger ones my niece's age, and was able to kind of slowly break down the social anxiety barrier such that my niece is now part of this group of (now) late teens / early 20's "kids" and their social group just seems to keep growing. Seeing my niece able to be comfortably herself with these peers just makes me feel good in the small part I was able to play.
People, in most part, are good. Some are really quite lovely such that it reminds me of Bilbo's birthday speech:
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve"
I have always found it helpful to try and put yourself in the other person's shoes to look at the situation. makes it easier to connect IMO
I'm happy to see that in a sea of commenters who'd hate for anyone to strike a conversation with them, there are people who still enjoy connecting with others.
We are in a public forum afterall and we are all strangers here. I'm always happy when random person sends me an email.
As someone who has struggled with social anxiety over the years and has thought about this a lot, I have some thoughts.
It's all nice to imagine everyone talking to each other, but the reality is that in (western?) society, we have kinda collectively decided that socialisation is to be avoided. Either it's too weird, too boring, or too unsafe. I mean have you tried randomly talking to people? Most don't seem very open to it.
Also it doesn't help that the little "pretext" scenarios that can lead to socialising are being systematically eliminated from our lives.
And finally, if you're neurodivergent or otherwise aren't perfectly typical, enjoy people thinking you're weird anyway.
ok it's a bit late but i think a big part is the non-verbal thing you're putting out.
my story is me and my wife moved to another country a few years ago for my study. after 4 months moving there, she already know and conversed with the people working the apartment and some neighbors. while i mostly just exchanged cursories and nods and glances. then one day we just walked out together and the same people i passed earlier just says hello and converse and stuff with my wife and me. yes she's very much an extrovert but i can see people are way 'more open' and my wife has that too. me on the other hand do have 'i don't want to bother you so please don't bother me' vibe.
It's indeed pretty interesting how our society has normalized being. what I would say is antisocial by the norms of previous generations in the form of the gen z stare. Funnilly I remember a situation where I got a job offer from somebody from an older generation and I just stood still and stared for 1 minute. Not because I wanted to be disrespectful but because I was processing the information and I was simply so baffled that I forgot the social dance of showing the thinking on my face and doing thinking sounds (if you know you know). This led to the other person holding a lecture on how you should respond that you do not have a response yet but I thinking. I ended up accepting.
Glad to see this here. Age-wise I'm in the oldest 10% of users here, maybe 5%. I have noticed over the years the eroding of the ability of young people (20s basically) to interact in what I consider normal social situations.
Talking to your fellow humans in all sorts of situations is how you can form actual knowledge within yourself derived from direct observation. Everything else is a filter and synthesis. How can you know "reality" if you don't interact with it directly?
I find the decay of human connections an interesting problem to solve. I used to have an app that encouraged meeting in person by utilizing friends inviting other friends[0]. This solved many app-problems like correct matching and safety.
Didn't catch on, though. Setting up events turned out to be too prohibitive. If this interests anyone feel free to contact me at contact [at] eventful [dot] is
What is also fun is to just say 'hi' or 'hello' to random strangers, accompanied by a smile. I usually do that on the sidewalk (western Europe), but other places might also be fair game. I made an active effort to just greet people, now it's a habit. In the beginning I felt rejected sometimes by people blankly staring back at me and not saying 'hi' back.
Some people are not into that, don't suspect it or don't know how to handle that. Like half of this comment section, I really read some cringe comments here about how people don't want to be talked to. To them I can only say: don't worry, I see/feel from miles away that you don't want to be talked to. And even then, I might say 'hi' to you, just to gauge what happens. ;)
For me, it's okay if people don't say anything back. That's not even the point. I want to share a little positivity with the world (when I'm in the mood) and 90% of reactions are either a big smile back, a little nod or even a small conversation. There's nothing for me to 'win' (as a lot of commenters seem to think is the point); thinking in these terms makes it a business transaction.
I found out that especially elderly people are way more open to these things. Also, people who don't seem open to it (probably going through a bad time) might actually surprise you with a warm and welcome smile. These little interactions taught me to not judge a book by it's cover, give a little without expecting anything in return, and just knowing that you made somebody smile who needed that.
So if you think this article is something you want to try, but you're a little afraid thinking about whole conversations and stuff, just start with greeting random people. Don't see it as a transaction, just see it as age old human behavior (which it is). If you have a hard time reading social clues, this also might be a good way to practice that a bit.
I'm kind of a misnthrope. I don't know my neighbors and I don't want to. I bought my current house in part because it has a fence around it. I wear earbuds in the store so random people don't try to talk to me (I'm also tall so I get people asking me to get things down for them somewhat often). I teach college so I guess I get enough interaction with strangers from having new students every semester.
A tip from a past life working a customer service / food service job:
Learn a few words in a variety of languages. They are great conversation starters / expanders – I made a lot of actual friendships by talking to people (after taking their orders), asking them where they’re from, and then knowing a few words in their language. Nothing makes people happier than hearing someone speak their native language, no matter how poorly.
This was in a university town, so knowing a couple words in Chinese, Arabic, Hindi, etc. was useful.
I find the community on Clubhouse understand this better than anyone (well, this is true for Reddit and HN too). Clubhouse especially though because people are bat shit crazy on there and somehow conversations happen. It’s a hidden gem that I think the HN community would enjoy.
I've talked to random people.
Most of them are unbearably boring, and they need to resort to alcohol and professional sports just to have anything to talk about in the first place.
Bring up ECDSA and suddenly you may as well have just beamed down from a spaceship.
I speak to everyone when in "work mode". Its part of the job. I smalltalk, im curious, i listen. When off work I dont really want to talk to people at all (outside "my" people, i.e. my family and small group of friends). If someone strikes up a conversation I will of course engage, but I reach a threshold where I run out of gas and have to excuse myself.
Also, one thing not mentioned in the article is that, structurally, some of this is a consequence of a growing sense that we live in a low trust society. I don't necessarily think that is true in the small/local sense for many people, but a lot of the media we consume and talk about highlights that so much of society is untrustworthy and that forces many people to close themselves up as a completely rational way of protecting themselves.
I hope more and more people do not continue to believe that, there is so much good out there in the world and we all have to engage it or we're just letting the low trust side win and life becomes a lot less because of that. Everyone already into chatting for chatting sake now and then, please continue to do so. You're doing a world a huge service. The rest not, come join us, the water feels great!
I used to avoid talking to people because it always turns out to be an argument
Later I realized this is wrong on my part, talking is all about talking, let the vibe continue and don't let it die.
I don't know if anyone follows Jefferson Fisher on ig but his content on how to communicate has always resonated with me as someone who struggles with meeting new people. It's been especially helpful since I've recently moved to a new city.
I agree that expanding communication with strangers is important. But starting with "Do you mind if I sit here? Or did you want to be alone with your thoughts?" and then continuing a conversation for 10+ minutes is a real struggle for me. Sometimes I even wonder—how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me? Maybe this is just me.
My personal philosophy has always been that “everyone has at least ONE good story to share.” Everyone. Best way to discover these gems is to talk with anyone as when the mood suits you. I’m a richer person for the stories that I’ve been honored to hear.
I was at a conference recently and I went to a meetup session that the organizers put through and I was so anxious that I took a lapel pin and left immediately :( I knew about my social anxiety but never saw it first hand as such. I am so bad in networking with people.
I am anonymously writing this because it is a strange outcome of talking to someone by making an effort to do so. I never intended anything when I made an effort to speak with a girl , but to my surprise it ended up with an offer to meet and an invitation for more !! I never thought it would happen to me because I am neither good looking or handsome kinds.
I had a colleague (now friend :D) whose dad was a manager for a company, he taught him to talk to anyone so he's got a number of conversation starters / makers. I mean I (think I) can tell it's a very active intellectual process for him, like it's not natural and he's analysing responses and storing them and the like constantly, but he's doing it and it makes him a great asset. I don't think he aspires any leadership positions - conversations cost him energy and he likes to write code, after all - but he has the techniques for it.
I have autism so talking with people can get difficult as we have different communication styles and message decoding systems.
Even when people seem nice I generally keep a distance as I have to analyse them slowly instead of relying on social cues. I do pick up cues but processing them is not subconscious. My subconscious is not as generative and acts more like a buffer for conversation, so all the talking I do subconsciously has to be placed there beforehand instead of generating it with subconscious heuristics.
This advice has the potential soothe political rift. I rarely see anymore two people on opposite sides having a calm discussion of facts such as Krystal and Saagar often do. We need more of that. Dehumanizing the other side has costs.
Ask questions.
Something I learned from being around a few outgoing friends over the years, the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask questions. Even if you already know the answer, it breaks the ice and let's them do the talking. Don't know what to say next? Ask another question.
As someone who identifies with the text, a very introverted guy that almost never starts a conversation but it's able to maintain it once they other person starts it, and as someone who has never dated any girl (and failed to do so) I'll just say: almost every random person that talks with me...is a man.
It doesn't seems...fair...and, again, says a lot about society.
I would imagine a common goal could alleviate the resistancy? Talking while jogging or doing shoot-out at a basketball court sounds like a good way to fill in that small gap in between actions.
Did anyone notice how the last paragraph links to a paid course on talking to strangers… paid advertising??
or how to get labeled as a creep by every women
joke or not (actually not) but read some women spaces and it's obviously a lot of people, especially women, just want to be let alone. Don't start talking with random people unless they start talking to you and it's consensual, simple as that.
I found New England particularly difficult in this regard. Even my neighbors don't want to talk. But, I love this thread. It is so fun to bump into a person and share life for a few minutes. For me, if I'm busy and stressed I don't do this so a lot of it is about my own headspace.
I used to talk to strangers a lot when I was younger. But then I started getting older and more scary looking. I developed memories of older men making unwanted advances towards me. I became horribly afraid of making anyone else feel that way, so I stopped.
I know the article's advice is to take a chance, and if I scare someone else so be it. But something about that feels wrong to me.
Sometimes I want to strike up a conversation but get no reaction or even a dismissive glance and get ignored. It feels like the universe has a script and I went off track.
After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator.
I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garden I spoke to a man who was excitedly looking for a few specific plants. He is a botanist (amateur? professional? unclear) and I enjoyed sharing in his passion for a moment. Then I saw a maintenance guy moving with great intention who took a moment to ask me and my family if we had a nice time. We did, and I asked him about the papers in his hand. “Gotta get approval for this purchase request asap.” He said. We talked a bit about how nice it is to work at such a beautiful place.
I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it.