Ask HN: How to be alone?

Two different perspectives:

1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason.

2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone".

And one piece of advice:

1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.

I remember reading once that the biggest predictor of friendship/relationships was physical proximity. And a book about a spy who built a relationship with and turned a diplomat by appearing at/around the same grocery store repeatedly, gradually building familiarity then trust.

I often think about these examples. And as much as hobbies etc are good ideas, I think one could start even simpler - walk the dog at the same time every day. Or drive to get a coffee, hang out there for 30 mins, etc. I find a change of scenery helps me too, as well as a routine, to lift the spirits, and those chance encounters will repeat.

The grass is always greener, even if you find a good partner you have to put a lot of effort and attention to the relationship to keep it going well, also doing things you may not want to do but have to as its a two way street.

Then there are bad relationships, kids etc. It's all about tradeoffs. One thing I like about being single now (divorced) is I can do what I want when I want but also have socialisation when I want it. Would never go back to a live in relationship just too stifling. My adult daughter lives with me though so I have daily social time which, along with other family, friends, is enough for me (sometime too much and I have to decline).

There are so many useful snippets of good advice on this thread.

I'd like to mention sport again, but with an addition: find a sports coach you can afford. This changes sport from being a destination to a path, and you'll avoid injuries - which is something you'll need to be careful about as your grow older. Im in my mid 40s, for context.

The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not.

We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound lives and were socially alone.

Once you realize it - the problem is gone, or rather you see that there was no problem, just a certain conditioning by society which you grew up in. What can help here are not psychological nonsence, but some meditations definitely push you towards this (and other types of) realisation.

The fact you're asking is great.

Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want.

You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us".

Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know.

Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection.

Things that I've tried:

* Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill

* Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting.

* Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places.

* Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior.

* Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout.

* To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off.

* If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you.

Things I've tried and don't work

* The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc).

* Pubs / bars as above

* Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling.

If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!

You need to go through a proper grief. Cry, scream - the whole package. When the acceptance kicks in, try to find the root cause of what happen and why.

How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two? Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner?

> great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers

Have you gone through a therapy with him?

This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.

The hollowness is from not being useful to someone. I went through your EXACT same thing. 17, graduated, moved in with my sweetheart (and her mother…), got a place of our own to rent at 23, married at 26, divorced at 36, alone entirely when my parents died 38, and 41. Now 43, the best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself, go outside, reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy (for me, that was getting back into flying) and volunteer and give back to the community around you.

You’ll find that hollowness was self-inflicted.

A dog is a great companion as well.

Try Meetup.com. It's unfortunately gone downhill in many ways, but there are still people using it. Search for in-person meetups in your area and if any look interesting, sign up and go to some events.

I can relate to some of what you’re describing, though from a different angle. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown increasingly dissatisfied with the shallowness of many modern interactions: the constant glance at the screen, that black brick glued to the hand, the strange absence of attention even when you try to do something kind for someone. It often feels like we’re all performing a kind of theater of socialization.

One thing that helped me over the years was cultivating a richer inner life and maintaining some contact with nature. Long walks, quiet time, reading, building things slowly, the kinds of activities that don’t depend on an audience. At first that kind of solitude can feel oppressive, but with time it can also become a kind of freedom.

As you get older, or at least that has been my experience, you begin to realize how precious each moment is, and how little sense it makes to spend too much of it on interactions that feel hollow. Real presence, even if rare, becomes much more valuable.

Your situation is clearly different, and the transition you’re going through sounds genuinely hard. But sometimes these chapters also open space to rediscover parts of yourself that were quiet for a long time. I wish you strength navigating this change, and I hope you eventually find a rhythm that feels meaningful again.

I enjoy being alone (emphasis: alone, not lonely), but I don't think it's good to try to force yourself to just cope with it somehow if it isn't your thing. But then, you seem to not want to do anything that would help you not be alone? It sounds like you're trying to turn yourself into a different person, which seems even harder than things like finding a hobby or joining a Meetup group.

Try to find places you can become a regular, it sounds like you're experiencing true grief and isolation is exacerbating it. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out. Making myself a regular in places that suited my interests, a local bookstore where I buy all of my books and have a chat with the owner, an arcade where I go, a bar that has a night of music i'm into helped me. Just getting to the point where you can go into a space, and be acknowledged as a human being that another human being has seen and talked to before was really grounding for me. I made no friends from doing this, but it helped me feel a bit less isolated and helped make other positive changes that led to being less alone. What you do is so much less important than forcing yourself to just put yourself into a situation where you are face to face with someone else. I hope this helps

There are plenty of good advice what to do. On the other hand don't do:

* Doomscroll on your phone, reddit, whatever. Social media is not your friend.

* Self medicate. Some commercial drugs are bad enough. This includes overeating.

* Get stuck binge watching.

Try things (if you can). You never know what you happen to like.

In the UK, there are tax breaks for renting out your spare room https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-sc...

I've done this for much of my life. It has always worked out OK. Perhaps because I've always picked a nice middle class person as my lodger. Even the mentally ill homeless person I rented my spare room to was a nice middle class mentally ill homeless person and a friend of a friend, who recovered from his reactive depression and moved on as anticipated.

If there is a university nearby, there are probably graduate students looking for a cheap place to stay while they finish writing up their PhD thesis. Since graduate students are pretty much guaranteed to be respectable, you may need to ask for less than the market rent to grab one, but you don't mention being short of money. They will have their own concerns about you, but your dog will vouch for you.

You don't mention having a spare bedroom that you could rent out, I'm just guessing that "working remote" implies living somewhere with affordable housing, and that you have extra space. If you live in a one bedroom flat, maybe sell it or rent it out entirely, and take the other side of the deal, becoming a lodger yourself.

That is not an option for me. I'm trapped by my stuff: grand piano, Boxford CUD lathe, too many maths books. I cannot vouch for that option, but it works for my lodger, so it works for some people. (I'm over sixty and he is older than me.)

I fear that my comment is a little "off" and not quite appropriate, but in my defense, it is responsive to "I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person."

I feel you. The fear of being alone is natural, it is uneasy because you are forced to confront your true self. It takes a while to get used to the lack of the social cushioning, but you don't have to do it all alone drastically. First thing you need to address is the fear of being lonely - the root cause is lack of self dependence. Or rather, too much social dependence. You need to (slowly) learn to be comfortable with your self. You do that by not looking at it like a punishment. It is just being at peace.

Having said that, I always like to join hobby groups on meetup.com (say cycling or DIY crafts or book clubs) and get to meet new people that way. It helps. The other thing I love to do is attend conferences or tech talks. It really removes that feeling of being lonely and since you do it on your terms, you will come to a point where you realize loneliness is just a choice and you can be around people whenever you like.

Also, look into real passion projects - you can spend time working on stuff you love to do and it will offset any emptiness you feel. I love working on my car and speaker building. Some of the projects can take years and I will spend one weekend or a random weekday working on it. It really turns being alone into an advantage.

When I felt alone early in my career, I used to go to this shared office space near my house or WeWork once or twice a week and surrounded myself with people there. It helped a lot. The day you realize you can live with yourself without needing anyone around is when you will also start feeling less depressed. People come and go, you are the only one for yourself.

Hope this helps and if you ever feel like talking to someone, don't hesitate to shoot an email (in my profile). Always love to meet new people :)

Lots of (good) practical advises for the day to day in this thread, but no mentions of Katabasis. Here's my take on the emotional side:

Stop the medication. Ride the way down and then back up. Cry your heart out, feel that pain, don't hide from it. It's a process, and has even a greek name:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katabasis

You are on your journey into the underworld and darkness. Face it and you'll come out stronger on the other side. Humans have endured much harder times. You are more resilient than you think.

Your days will start to improve little by little. Little glimmers of light here and there until you start leaving the bad times behind

I went through a separation 5 years ago after 12y together, no meds, just counseling. Not sure if your case is separation or death, cause I haven't gone through the latter

I think there is already great advice in the comments.

This is my two cents.

Iterate and find a way to be comfortable with yourself, perhaps (re)try different things you used to like or try new things you like. If possible in a communal setting (for instance a introduction course in ...). It can be anything from learning a language to a artisan craft.

Mostly look for community you mention you like gaming, there are a lot of gaming related communities out there that are very welcoming!

Also try to go out of your way to leave your comfort zone, this will push you into situations that you are not getting into right now and that may lead to new opportunities.

I would not just rely on situations that are explicitly seen as "dating", such as bars or dating sites.

In my experience joining an IRL group activity is what works best (volunteering, community service, church, local band/orchestra/choir, group lessons, team sports etc) - even if you don't find your future partner there, at least you can make a few IRL friends and you will feel less lonely.

There is strong research showing that the discomfort of being alone is largely a skill deficit rather than a permanent trait. Wilson et al. (2014) found people would rather self-administer electric shocks than sit quietly with their thoughts for 15 minutes. The intervention that works best is structured solitude: giving yourself a specific internal task (journaling, reflection on a concrete question, even mental rehearsal of a skill) rather than open-ended "just be alone" time. The people who thrive in solitude tend to treat it as a practice they build incrementally, starting with short deliberate sessions, not something they jump into cold.

I'd suggest you to work on your general mood - drugs can help, but nature is also wonderful.

I think I have a relatively good life, but I still have hard times. I had circa 6 months long depression streak after my child was born (I'm male).

For me the best mood fixer is a walk still. Super small commitment, great with a dog too. For a weekend the best is a longer hike. I practice yoga and train my body - great mood boosters. I've trained my body to be able to sit comfortably on the ground so I can work from anywhere - sunshine in park hellooo.

Hope you find your rhythm soon!

Looking back from the vantage point of 70+ years of life, and having seen many people experience this very thing, I think the key is to get to know yourself. That sounds cliche, I know. Up until now, you have defined yourself in terms of your relationships with other people: your family, your partner, your spouse, your work group, etc. Many of the folks I've known had never been on their own, never done their own laundry, cooked their own meals, and so on. When divorce hit, they were devastated. And socially set adrift. In a few cases, they responded by hooking up with the first person that gave them the time of day, which proved to be less than optimal. The more successful of those transitioning to being alone worked on learning who they were, what interested them, how to do the routine things that perhaps someone else did for them in the past, and so forth. One person I knew experienced this in their 40s. He prepared his first meal for himself at 46. After stumbling around a bit, he decided to throw himself into cooking, discovered that he loved it, and went to school to become a professional chef, giving up software development for cooking, less money but far happier. When we search for hobbies and connections, far too often we look where we've always been. For those of us in some computer related field, it may be programming, video games, and other tangential "hobbies". When we branch out, e.g., learn a musical instrument, take dancing or singing classes (great way to meet people), take up public speaking (Toastmasters), find a good gym, or any other pursuits, we discover things we never knew we loved and people from outside our usual social circles which up until then had been dominated by work relationships. Suddenly, one is no longer alone and forms friendships based on shared interests and mutual connection. Those friendships are more durable than most of the relationships one forms at work. And in the process, one may find a new romantic interest, or several. Bottom line, break out of your comfort zone, and try something new. And if you find that exceedingly difficult or even debilitating, perhaps seeking the help of a professional would be beneficial. No, none of this is easy, but it is a great opportunity to discover yourself, other people, and to enrich your life experience dramatically. Good luck.

If you aren't already start working out daily and learn to make healthy meals. Not necessarily to help with loneliness, but to prevent having another problem that will only make the first worst.

If you can work from a coffee shop, if you can afford a coworking space, do it. Plus one if the new office/coffee shop is a bit far from your house.

Call your parents daily if you can.

This post really resonated with me - I've been there, similar age in fact, and found it challenging... however in the time since, I've learned to love and value my time alone. I don't get it too much these days, but when I do, I embrace it.

Find connections. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Make the most of your time alone - deliberate actions on weekends, like going for a swim (you'll meet people if you swim regularly), a hike (same), buy a motorbike and join a casual riding club, take up amateur radio and make nerdy friends, work in a co-working space and get to know people even if you don't work "with" them, you can still work with them.

Then there's the more unusual suggestions which can be just as much fun - and I've done many of these and found value in them! Join a local volunteer fire brigade if you have one. Take a class and learn something new. Never been artistic? Join your local community college and take a class.

Life can be hollow, and as I tell my kids, it's what you fill it with that makes it full. Just as with boredom.. sometimes its good to be bored, and sometimes its good to experience hollowness and down, because then the ups feel so much more real.

I wouldn't jump straight into a new relationship (or even try to). Learn to love yourself and live with yourself, and the right person will come when they do and not a moment before. Lean on friends and family when you need support, and be there for others when they need it too. This is great for the soul.

It's a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.

Commit to the service of others. It’s not for their benefit, it’s for yours. Be amazed how much it gets you out of your head and into a place of healing. Get involved with a food bank (be the one who packs bags full of canned goods and rice, or who loads the bags into people’s cars as they drive through). A place where the same people show up each week to do the work. I’m not Catholic but your local Catholic parish will know where this is.

Then go meta: don’t just do the work, and don’t be looking to find people to become friends with. Ask everyone around you how their day is going. How their week is going. Say you’re sorry when they tell you about the hard week they had or their sick kid or their divorce. When those people need a ride somewhere, offer to drive them.

The rest may come if and when it’s supposed to come. Start by connecting with people and connect by trying to be of service, it’s for your benefit not theirs.

There's already some good advice in this thread, but I want to add more.

This will indeed be very hard, but I'd urge you to take a long-term and positive forward looking approach.

It sounds to me like you don't have the best family/friends social structure to depend on. I'd focus on building that. It will take time ... and it won't happen on your schedule. The cold hard fact is that you have to put yourself out in the world in social spaces and be open and vulnerable. This is often why shared hobbies are recommended. But the hobbies aren't entirely the point. The point is that you're engaging in the real world with real people and learning to be open and vulnerable in that environment. If you embrace that (truly embrace), the friends and relationships will eventually come. But, it may take a long time. It's a long game. But its worth it.

In the short-term, you can find ways to cope. For me, I got REALLY deep into ultra-running after a bad breakup. It helped. But, it was seriously just a cope for not having the foundational social structures that everyone needs.

In summary: find healthy short/medium term coping methods, and invest in building longer-term social connections. And expect it to take some time. Give yourself grace. You're doing a hard thing. It's okay for it to be a struggle. Just keep working on it and you'll get through it. I've been through this. It gets better, I promise!

Good luck. I'm rooting for you!

Stop running away from the self you've never known.

One thing you could look into is body doubling sites like flow club. It doesn't solve the core issue but might help in a small way outside of work hours. Outside of the internet I keep hearing that Pickleball is the most social sport around! Also have you tried hanging out and working at Starbucks (or similar) after some time (weeks) in the same place it's inevitable to start making connections. Also co-working spaces can offer connections, and they usually have various club goings on on notes on the pin boards etc. One thing I do know is that it takes quite a few times / weeks of time turning up to the same place for conversation to start. Hope this is helpful in some way.

I guess few people get what they want, as I crave for more alone time and hate socialization.

I haven’t gone through the same transformation, but here is my recommendation: find something you truly want to build, or change, or whatever, and go for it. You are now free to do whatever you want. Trace your thoughts to your youth, to your childhood, and find something you were excited about, long before you met your sweetheart, and go for it.

“You merely adopted the loneliness. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't know love until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!”

More seriously, ride the loneliness with manly grace: lose the shrink drugs, grind your teeth, clench your butt and lose yourself in body sculpting, disturbing art, brain exercises, etc... and if you want a bit of balm, remember that you're no wizard.

I haven't been in your situation, but I'm the same age and if my wife and I separated for whatever reason, I suspect I probably would be. I find being social and trying new things to be incredibly difficult. So it's something I've thought about. Personally I would not try to adapt to being alone, but rather I'd try to find & meet new people.

I would suggest trying to find in-person employment, whether that means changing to a job with a local office, or finding a co-working space to go in to. Then go in to the office every day. You can do less frequently than that, I guess, but it will just increase the time it takes for bonds to form. It turns out if you're a decent person to be around, it's almost impossible to not make social connections if you have lunch with the same people 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year. For both my wife and I, the vast majority of our friends are people we met at work, or through people we know at work. There are other ways to make friends, of course, but work is one of the faster & more reliable sources IME.

My other suggestion would be to get back into the dating pool when you feel more ready for it. It's an environment where everyone is expecting to meet new people and try things out and maybe things don't work and that's OK. I think dating is a lot different in your late 30s than it is in your early 20s, much more casual & experienced and hopefully less stressful. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, it's a way to get some practice meeting people and talking about yourself, and maybe make some new platonic friends and get out of the rut.

People suggest hobby groups and volunteering, but I dunno, I've tried that and it never really works out for me. I'm very shy and have a hard time inserting myself into an existing group. The infrequency of meetups also means it's hard to give the time for bonds to form, especially for someone fairly aloof like myself. That said I have started going to a weekly Fighting Game tournament and that might be working out. We'll see.

Just some ideas from my own ruminating on this issue. Hope you can find something that works for you.

This is going to be a bit dry, but I'm going to overshare too much if I won't keep it compact.

Solitude is a grace when you have deep respect / is inspired by the world, life, or something more specific, because you belong to a construct you have a model for, and thus you have an obvious list of actions and values.

It's very intimidating when you don't though, because you feel lost and can't see a clear way to gain momentum - and movement is life, as they say. There are two things that can help with that.

1. Listening the ideas of people that share a language and values with you, but don't necessarily share your vision. These are friends, most of the time. I get that you might've distanced from yours and they might've become entirely different people, but try reconnecting with them, one at a time. What mends you here is paying attention to what these people worry about - it gives you choice of things to be enthusiastic about (which then makes more friends, initiatives, impact, which are all "movement" of sorts). Try not to fall for trap of "spending time to silence the doubts and discomfort" as that's the same as doing "snooze" on an alarm. You can try to find those people on conferences, language clubs, but they're pretty much everywhere, you should just pick the context that feels least awkward to start a conversation in.

2. Change of context. There's a pretty big chance of gaining momentum while traveling, because your attention sharpens while you're in an environment that is hard to predict. You'll notice a lot of things you enjoy or hate, some of them might inspire you to study, try something new or empathize to a different way of living.

There's a bonus one - building something for someone is very fulfilling for the usual auditory of HN. There's a lot of people who'd be glad to use a helping hand, just pick a person / group you'd be ok to help and ask what can you do for them with your talents / skills. You'll be surprised how glad you'll be that you did that.

P.S. There are also thinner rationales behind what I've written, and I explained it rather mechanistically, but basically that's what helped me a lot when I suffered from an abrupt cutoff from the community that was a big part of my life.

P.P.S. I'm young, but it probably doesn't matter as much. Have a virtual hug from me ;). I think it's going to be better for you rather soon!

Get a bike and ride into a forest. I don't know what it is, but it just makes all the problems go away, make that into a routine and now you have a constant thing which resets your state of mind.

ymmv, especially if you're in urban housing where there's private land as far as the eye can see.

If you live in a coastal place, and if you don't hate water, I recommend joining a sailing club and start sailing. It is a great social catalyst and it is relatively easy to get started.

I've got value over the years from Desiderata. At once both economical and powerful.

I already mentioned this to @sillysaurusx but will post here in case it yields interesting comments.

https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

I was in a similar place a few years ago. I'll just list what worked for me, so it's not assuming you don't do any of this currently.

But firstly, know that things will get better over time. You need time to get through all the emotions, the new environment, the new way of life. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back at it, I wish I had this on my mind each day to just eke out any bit of positivity I could.

But the five main things I changed in my life to get me to feel better: 1. Lift weights. I didn't necessarily go to a gym, so there was no additional social aspect from this, so doing so would probably help. But I bought some gym gear and worked out at home religiously. Had a plan, tracked it on a spreadsheet, and measured and reviewed progress every two weeks. Really helped with the confidence, and there's a lot of research that shows exercise is good for mood and depression.

2. Walk everyday - ideally outside in the sun. I got up early, went for a walk so that I caught the sunrise during it. This was probably one of the biggest changes I made that improved my mood and wellbeing, that I continue to do it religiously today.

3. Learn a new skill. For me that was 3d modelling. Just having something new to do, and tracking progress, really helped with my self confidence. Though if you're not in the habit of lifting, you could combine this and [1] if you're learning to lift.

4. Changed my diet. This was a natural change from lifting. Eating whole foods, and reduced the junk (still enjoyed some pizza/fried chicken on weekends), but otherwise it was healthy foods during the week.

5. Volunteering. Sometimes at a food bank to feed the homeless, and sometimes helping a local group who was in charge of restoration of a creek which required cleaning/tree planting etc. It's amazing what doing something for others does for yourself.

Things will get better for you - no doubt!

If you're intersted in (local) politics, join the local chapter of your favorite political party. Not sure where you live obviously, but in my experience, local political chapters do a lot of community work and events where you're together with other members, etc. And obviously there's already a common interest, so it's a great place to get to meet new people.

At the same time, you will being contributing more to a better democracy in your country!

Are you in an area where not working remote is an option? The banter and camaraderie of an office and common timezone might give the social fill you need, and make the time alone at home that's left a pleasant change.

Try focusing on doing for other people. Volunteering, joining your local religious group, random acts of kindness. This will give your life meaning and help you find wholesome and healthy relationships.

One thing I do is make friends with people who have dogs that get along with my dog on walks. We've seen movies, gotten food out together, etc. Or just intentionally walk around the same time to chat.

Also, hobbies. Try to find something you can be interested in that has meetups.

Could be sports, cars, books, quilting, chess. I've heard of photography groups that do photo walks or group editing hangouts at coffee shops.

On the other hand, it's also ok to be on your own sometimes. I love catching a movie at a theater on my own. Sometimes I'll go to the park without my dog just so I can relax at a bench or have a nice walk at my own pace.

Spirituality helps. Listen to Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Adyashanti, etc. They help make sense of the macro and micro picture of life. Think of it as narrative oinment for your thinking mind and narrative center of gravity. Check your vitamin D levels, get tests done. My vitamin D levels were so low that I considered it as an effort to even fart. I am not joking.

I don't have any advice for being alone, but I want to remind you that you can open up your phone right now, start messaging people to say "want to come over for dinner at my place next Sunday?", and keep going until you have no more free seats at the dining table. You don't have to make peace with being alone.

If something gets in the way and stops you from doing this, then that thing - depression, anxiety, not having anyone to message, your friends are all busy, you don't feel ready - might help you understand and fix whatever is going on at a deeper level.

Also, that sucks. I've been in a similar place at various points in my life and it can feel inescapable until, somehow, you escape.

I've spent years of my life absolutely alone; gone months without talking to another person. There isn't anything you'll do that will give you the emotional fulfillment of interacting with someone else.

As for living with yourself:

Find some sort of exercise you don't mind doing and make it non-optional. The goal isn't to go all out, just get your heart rate up for half an hour. You won't want to do it sometimes but you still have to go. You can do a crappy job at it and slack off for a day or two but you have to go out. For me this is riding a bike.

Otherwise it's good to be absorbed in something. It's not the same feeling but there is intrinsic satisfaction in learning / building / experiencing things.

> I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).

Go back to working together with people, face to face, if that's something you maybe miss. Everyone works in different ways, some people need to spend their long days while working at least together with other people, and that's ok.

While I understand you have a professional helping you.. I really recommend the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns. The exercises in it, and the explanation of false labeling we do that causes us problems, are very helpful IMO. I once ruminated over a 4 year relationship, tons of details about it, probably for a year straight. I did one of the exercises ('... and if that were true, it would mean that....?' over and over to any response you have) til I got to the bottom of every negative thought I had about her, me, or the relationship. I am not joking when I say I woke up the next day and couldnt even REMEMBER 75% of the negative emotions I wrote down for the exercises. I was genuinely cured of 1 years worth of rumination in 2 hours of writing things down the way the book tells you to.

There are a lot of great comments here and I want to echo so many of them and not duplicate them.

There is one thing I'd like to add:

Learning to be happy while alone takes practice - lots of it. It's not easy, but it does get easier.

Learning to enjoy being along was one of the most important moments in my life, and it changed a lot of how I see the world now. I feel like this is up there with learning self-care that works for you - equally important and yet different.

One thought that I have from my experience of going through a divorce: think of who else in your life is important to you, and reach out to them more. If you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through, even if they're only available by phone or email or texting or video chat, do it.

Look around your town and try a few regular local group activities. See "third place" for ideas. Be patient with yourself. This will take time, and that's okay.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Some of my most durable adult friendships started at group ballroom dance classes. The studio was a 15-minute drive from my suburban home, twice per week, and focused on social dancing, not competitive. I don't think dancing was the thing that made it work, but funny teachers and regular faces. That studio closed (pre-pandemic, thank goodness). No studio since has recreated the magic, but other activities have.

>I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers

>Everything feels hollow ... feels like being imprisoned

Just a humble observation: you may not have a psychiatrist that great.

You take three different medications just for everything to feel hollow? And that is life?

That sounds quite depressing to my ear.

My advice: find a community IRL, and hear from them IRL. Solitary confinement with internet is definitely not healthy. Go outside, learn something new, meet people and interact with them in real life, "remote" won't cut it. Meds will not make you feel, people will.

> no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks

lies

where do you post your home DIY and grill updates?