Ask HN: How to be alone?

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.

Now I’ll focus on practical advise:

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.

- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.

- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.

- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?

- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc

- checklist reading, movie watching

- study textbooks

- systematic traveling

- volunteer

- build things with your hands and give them away

- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.

My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.

I think when you've realized that you don't particularly enjoy being alone - the best cure is to avoid it; and try to get more friends.

Friends are made by doing something together, regularly, over time.

I wouldn't call this "get a hobby" - I'd call it "find something to do".

My best suggestion is start doing some kind of organized training like martial arts, or some team sport. Find somewhere to volunteer: food bank, volunteer programs teaching kids to code, anything in your area that you can relate to.

I'm not suggesting that it easy or trivial - but I also believe it is the only way.

Seems like your whole social life was dependent on your partner? Which tends to happen with men and is - in my and many others eyes- not healthy for a relationship. Invest in your social life, as you would in other aspects (work/health/fin), and start building.

The start up cost is vulnerability: if you meet someone you like to be friends with you need to essentially tell them 'I like you, I want to have you as my friend, I want to spend time with you, lets' hang'. The vulnerability and awkwardness are the initial price.

People remember your kindness. That’s it.

I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains.

Giving kindness is most satisfying. It makes the receiver happy, but it makes you happy as well in a wat that kind of lasts. It’s an interaction that compounds on both sides. I think that’s why church groups, and mentorships, ans teaching, and advisory roles are satisfying. Teaching, giving, coaching all make life far more vibrant emotionally, and far less lonely.

Giving grows the pie, while zero sum games see it as affixed. Trying to compete in the latter will make you lonely. Trying to grow the pie in any kind of local community might make you see things differently.

Had the same crisis - I split from my long term partner after 14 years at 33 years old. Was happy to be alone for the first time in my life then within two weeks the dread of loneliness started creeping in.

My advice is find a social outlet - Group exercise like CrossFit and Run Clubs help a lot and cater to all people.

Also - restarting your life alone is expensive, but you will never again have a cheaper cost of living. Take the opportunity to save so you can let the good times roll when you find someone.

Also also - I had zero luck on dating apps, I think their prime days are over, and they’re superficial. Don’t bother with that negative feedback loop.

I see a lot of good advice here, and I'm going to be late but approach it from a different angle.

If you've spent so much time with your spouse around, and now you're at home alone, and you're working remote, then you are going to need a lot of socialising outside of work, because remote work does not meet the same needs for seeing people in person (I've been there).

Humans are social animals, we need some interactions with others, and you are just getting way too little.

The issue is not 'how to be alone?', it's how to satisfy your social cravings with in-person interaction, once you have that at least some of the time, being alone for the rest of the time is much easier.

I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like.

Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing.

Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of life for many. What worked for me was finding something I enjoyed (exercise classes) and doing it consistently multiple times a week at the same place for months. With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends. Complaining about one exercise one week turns into making comments about the music the next, and all of a sudden you're getting coffee with friends.

At the start it was very difficult, and I was very bad, but now I'm part of a community and have many close friends. Its a hour per day most days of the week. It's also a jumping off point for everything else social. It provides purpose and self-confidence. Which are prerequisites for everything else meaningful in life.

I’ve been alone since about 20. I am 26 now and have been renting a room from someone who is in a similar state as myself. We mostly do our own thing but it’s nice to have others around. Something I learned was necessary when living alone was to have connections with people. I am religious and belong to a church the social connection there was critical to my survival as an individual. I had friends who were in multiple stages of life. I would try to spend time with others multiple times a week.

On Thursday’s I would spend time with my friend who’s in his 60s. I might help him fix some shelves or his furnace or whatever in exchange for a meal with him and his wife. We would play a few rounds of pickle ball or go for a bike ride in the evening and then we would sit around and talk.

I had a few other friendships like this. One family where I would spend a lot of time. The children where in their teens and I was friends with them and the parents they treated me as a bit of a son. It was good. I have since moved to a different community and have a very social job now so it’s not as crucial that I make such deliberate efforts to spend time with others.

So my advice is this make deliberate effort to spend time with people. Find people to spend time with involve yourself in their lives. Humans are social we all need some interaction and you can be an asset to others while helping yourself.

Too much time alone will absolutely destroy your mental state. Well it did mine. I have my friends to thank for taking care of me.

I should note many people rely on family for this sort of stuff. I don’t have family close geographically.

Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with <me>". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.

Try not to find an answer to this question. When you feel lonely it’s easy to think of it as an existential which is a problem to solve. It feels like things shouldn't be this way. But what you’re feeling is pretty human natural and arguably the only way you can feel.

No amount of advice will get rid of it. But you can learn to be with it. Okay with it coming and going. It helps to keep in mind that you WILL get through this.

One Caveat. Even though its something that one can live with it. Often these feelings are signals to take action. So if you feel like you want company. Try to look for it.

Hope you get through it

I enjoy being alone (emphasis: alone, not lonely), but I don't think it's good to try to force yourself to just cope with it somehow if it isn't your thing. But then, you seem to not want to do anything that would help you not be alone? It sounds like you're trying to turn yourself into a different person, which seems even harder than things like finding a hobby or joining a Meetup group.

1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong.

2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable.

3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.

4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness.

Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process.

Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.

I think there are a couple questions you need to ask yourself - the first is why is it hard for you to be alone? You're the one person you're stuck living with for your entire life - it shouldn't be hard to be alone with yourself. That's where it began. That's where it will end.

You mentioned you have a therapist - this is something you might wish to explore with them.

The second question is related - what are you looking for in the "not alone"? What do you want? What would bring you peace? Are you looking for a relationship? A friend? Sex? etc? While you have to be comfortable with yourself, part of that comfort is knowing and being confident in what you're looking for. It may be that the world won't or can't provide it, but that's why I put this question second.

The final point I'll make is that there's nothing stopping you. You're an adult... within the constraints of the laws of your society, you CAN do what you want and there's nothing stopping you. It may not go the way you want, but it might, and wouldn't it be fun to try?

I'm going to assume you no longer live near family, or are not close to them. I was severely depressed for over a year where I lived alone (across the country from my parents) without pets after a painful breakup. Getting a remote job and moving back closer to my parents/cousins/grandmother helped the most, but other things that help(ed):

* Going to restaurants with bars (like diners or sushi bars) where I could attempt to make small talk with servers

* Regularly going to the gym. Cliche, I know, but at least 3 times a week at the same times and I started becoming friendly with other regulars who had similar schedules. If you get friendly enough with someone, don't be afraid to ask if they wanna get food or beer after.

* Volunteering (cliche as well, but it helps) at the same place once a week. I volunteered for a high school bringing near-spoiled produce from local supermarkets to their horticulture club. There's loads of ways to get involved, but maybe start with your city/county's website to look for volunteer opportunities, ideally ones where you see the same people every time. This lets you build trust and community with folks who are often from different walks of life.

It's not lonliness, it's solitude. Time to find yourself and your creativity again.

You were codependant and need to learn how to be independant again. Living for you, just for yourself. You've spent most of your life living for others. Now it's time for you.

Try not to drink alcohol. Focus on your physical health. Gym/tennis/saunas/running/golf any physical activities you can.

If you live in a coastal place, and if you don't hate water, I recommend joining a sailing club and start sailing. It is a great social catalyst and it is relatively easy to get started.

The grass is always greener, even if you find a good partner you have to put a lot of effort and attention to the relationship to keep it going well, also doing things you may not want to do but have to as its a two way street.

Then there are bad relationships, kids etc. It's all about tradeoffs. One thing I like about being single now (divorced) is I can do what I want when I want but also have socialisation when I want it. Would never go back to a live in relationship just too stifling. My adult daughter lives with me though so I have daily social time which, along with other family, friends, is enough for me (sometime too much and I have to decline).

Sorry that you’re going through this. I got divorced after a 10 year marriage last year. Although it was amicable, going from a house (with a dog) to living alone is pretty tough.

Other people have said the same, but strong +1 to staying active and building a routine around that.

All my friends live far away as well, but fortunately I connect with them virtually every weekend for games.

Maybe one more bit of advice.. doing things on your own feels odd at the start. But there are upsides, e.g if you go to a museum you just go at your own place, you take a vacation wherever _you_ want, etc. Initially you will have the impulse of wanting to share that moment with someone, but that also fades with time.

Plus you’ll meet someone new and build new memories together. You’ll be fine OP, but it’ll be shitty for a while.

My partner (31yo) died of cancer on Christmas day last year. Since then, it is hard, but also beautiful once you realize life is too short to be upset about things or postpone doing what makes you happy.

I reach out to people more now, and I am more direct with what I want. If someone says no, simply move on, life is too short to chase someone, the interest has to be mutual.

For socializing, going to a sports club is easiest (I go to table tennis), you combine exercising with meeting people .

And when you feel lonely, simply call someone: your parents, siblings, friends, etc... Talking just a few minutes with another human helps a lot.

First thing is going outside. Staying inside is only going to compound depression and cause days gone by to become a blur. Just doing that is a step in the right direction, bonus points if it involves moving the body.

Second, start writing. Writing can help prevent circular thoughts and force the brain to plan how to change your lifestyle and get you to a life worth living. If you don’t write, it’s very easy to repeat patterns over and over again.

Third, don’t lose hope. Having a positive outlook and a growth mindset is going to help you navigate setback and push through obstacles. It’s easy to resort to a fixed mindset, but the saints are the sinners who keep on trying as they say.

Best of luck!

There are no tricks because you're too smart to fall for your own tricks.

The one thing that works is the time buffer between your future self and now.

The real challenge is to override the sadness with new memories.

Doing all the things you listed (dog park / build sth. / books, etc) makes the time go by faster, especially if you find something you like.

Stay holed up, and the sadness keeps resonating, building its harmonics (reliving past images, what ifs).

Everyone has their own pace. Stay strong.

> fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks

I know how it feels. Wish you the best.

My first piece of advice after such a major break up is that you’re probably going to need to move to a different city. Focus on choosing somewhere that excites you, where you think there will be something new for you. And when you get there, advice from others applies. Need to work damn hard at meeting people. Do three big things. Maybe a social group where you just consume something, like film or books. A social group where you make something, like photography etc. And then maybe a course or similar. If you want a good social life, I’d say three different social groups is necessary. Some will shut down or end. Replace them.

Leaning into vs. trying to kill the boredom/loneliness/emptiness is a strategy. Because this is how it is now. You will only ever get so much love from your cat.

I don't know you and all I know is what you've written here, but it seems like this new situation has unmasked your life and aspects of your personality and the truth is uncomfortable. This is who you were before as well, it's just more obvious now that you don't have the relationship you had.

How it is and who you are: these are the premises of the situation. Now given this, where do you go from here? You decide. The premises are just the start, the conclusion is something else and you're driving the car 100% now.

It sounds like you have the right idea, and this worked in my case. Find what sucks and work to make it not suck and don't expect results overnight. Persist, adapt, overcome.

I sincerely hope the best and that things improve for you.

I found myself in a similar place a couple of years ago. My partner passed away, which is different and the same as your situation.

My advice… Run. Don’t worry about being fast. Get the Jeff Galloway run-walk-run book and just do it. You probably aren’t a running person. Cool, do it anyway.

Couple of reasons. One, it will help you with your emotional state. There’s something liberating about just focusing on your steps and your brain is able to organize and pack stuff away. Two, it will make a real difference in your physical condition, which also helps the mind.

Get established and when you’re ready make a goal to do a 5k or something. If you want to, you can go from watching TV to a 5k in 2-3 months. When you do that, usually those events are organized by a running club. Go to some of their events or practice runs, do an meetup or two. When you’re ready, you’ll find a bunch of people not unlike yourself.

You are 38, getting out of a decades long relationship, and you’re introspective enough to post this post. It doesn’t feel like it now , but when it’s time, you are a hot commodity for future partners.

Getting started is easy. Get two pairs of good socks and good running shoes. Then go.

Good luck, whatever you do!

Try Meetup.com. It's unfortunately gone downhill in many ways, but there are still people using it. Search for in-person meetups in your area and if any look interesting, sign up and go to some events.

The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not.

We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound lives and were socially alone.

Once you realize it - the problem is gone, or rather you see that there was no problem, just a certain conditioning by society which you grew up in. What can help here are not psychological nonsence, but some meditations definitely push you towards this (and other types of) realisation.

This is going to be a difficult time.. and that's OK. Great change is upon you.

One book I cannot recommend enough is Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis.

Listen deeply to yourself, be kind with yourself. It's so very hard but so very very rewarding.

I'll speak from my own experience and not one of study or professional recommendation.

No matter how much I got out and about each day and night, I'd still feel 'alone' when I was home alone. I ended up developing panic attacks out of nowhere that got pretty rough for a while. In short, I felt like I was going crazy.

The only thing that helped was going back out and finding someone else. The process sucks, especially as you get older, but all my anxiety and panic attacks disappeared.

So I guess that's to say, it's possible some people just don't handle being alone well no matter what they try, as I've found with myself. I guess it makes some sense, humans are social creatures.

When I was 21, I moved out of my parents house and moved from Orlando to Dallas for a girl I met on the internet. We were together for about six months and then she broke up with me. Additionally, like two weeks later I got fired from my job.

I hold no grudges my ex girlfriend for that, I was far from an amazing partner, but I was now living in a new city where I knew basically no one, with no job to get out of my apartment, with no family nearby, and no money to artificially figure out ways to entertain myself. I had never in my entire life before that felt so alone. Days simultaneously felt ridiculously long and yet time seemed to also lose all meaning and it would feel like a week would go by without me even realizing it. When a job interview would come up, it would be the highlight of my week, primarily because it was an excuse to talk to another human.

I had friends from Orlando, of course, good friends even, and I would chat with them on Skype, and I would call my parents over the weekend, but of course they all had to work during the day and so most of the day I was purely alone.

It was dreadful. It felt like all I could do was apply for jobs, play through games on a SNES emulator, and learn new programming languages to try and make myself competitive in the job market.

I eventually found a job, with coworkers that I actually really liked. There was a married couple that I think liked me but also felt kind of sorry for me, so they would invite me over to their house on weekends to play video games and watch Game of Thrones, and I am eternally grateful for them. They were friends when I really needed friends.

I never really figured out how to be alone; I eventually met my girlfriend (now wife) and I haven't really been "alone" in the same way since then.

> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift.

I think it’s worth saying that you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own company. That’s the easy bit, the hard part is figuring out how. I don’t think there’s a trick you can do, you need to put in some work. Maybe take your dog walking to more remote places than just a dog park? I guess if you’re in America this might be more difficult but are there any green spaces within a few hours drive you can spend the weekend at?

I was in a similar situation. While I'm very much an introvert, the emptiness you mention became very strong.

I changed a few things to improve. I started riding a bike, and I joined some local casual bike riding meet-ups in the weekends. The meet-ups had a lit of new people each time as well as some frequent members, so I could usually choose between just riding along, talk to someone familiar or talk to someone new. After a bit I got some new friends this way which I met outside of the meet-up.

I picked up a couple of weekday activities. For one I went for something that interested me, but also was fairly casual and had natural dead time which allowed for talk. Bowling, darts, frisbee golf, that sort of thing. For the other I went with something that helped others. In my case they had an after-hours activity at a local school helping kids start programming.

I also played a lot of games before and after, mostly single player or just random multiplayer, but I ended up getting into a MMO and finding a guild. This became the primary place I'd hang out and talk about pork chops and broken blinds.

It wasn't a quick fix, but by working at it the emptiness faded.

A big difference was I had an office to come to with colleagues to talk to. We have a couple remote workers as well, and both of them have gotten an office space in a shared office building. This way they still get to eat lunch with someone or hang out by the coffee machine.

Best of luck and hang in there.

There are so many useful snippets of good advice on this thread.

I'd like to mention sport again, but with an addition: find a sports coach you can afford. This changes sport from being a destination to a path, and you'll avoid injuries - which is something you'll need to be careful about as your grow older. Im in my mid 40s, for context.

Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors). Trust that it will take time, but it will happen.

I believe very strongly in journaling as "twitter to yourself". Things you would say over messages to a partner or something can be notes to yourself instead. Especially short term desires to tell someone something can be lightened by this.

For social generally though, I would suggest very strongly that you pickup something like an MMO or a game with a community that isn't offset. Games like Path of Exile (1) or OldSchool Runescape can eat a lot of time and still give you social connections, which can help get your mind at ease from being alone. I don't suggest exclusively single player games or things like that, though.

Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be helpful for you.

Reading makes me feel addicted to life.

I was a decent reader as a kid, then for the longest time I couldn’t read. I got psychological help to recover my attention, and gently started reading 10 mins of something easy after waking up. Now I read at a pace of about 1.5 books per week and I can’t get enough of it. There are so my worlds that I want to explore further. Russian literature. The history of ideas. Sci-fi. 19th century France. Computer science. So many books, so little time!

Reading can generate many virtuous cycles. It requires attention, but begets attention. It can calm the mind and feel meditative. It can inspire thought and sometimes useful action. It can help you be more interesting in conversation. It can become addictive, but rarely as much as screens and won’t make you miss social opportunities.

It’s not for everyone but my theory is that if you’ve ever been immersed in two or three books at any point in your life, there’s a good chance that the potential is in you to scale it to a fulfilling habit.

I really hope you sort things out and find meaning one way or another. I’m glad that at you’re in good professional hands - that is a great first step.

There are plenty of good advice what to do. On the other hand don't do:

* Doomscroll on your phone, reddit, whatever. Social media is not your friend.

* Self medicate. Some commercial drugs are bad enough. This includes overeating.

* Get stuck binge watching.

Try things (if you can). You never know what you happen to like.

I went through something similar after a long relationship ended. What helped me wasn’t “find a hobby” but a few small, repeatable things:

• Treat being alone as a skill you practice, not a verdict on your life – e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose to do something solo (walk, café, book) on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic. • Give weekends a thin structure: one out‑of‑the‑house thing, one tiny “future me” thing (10 minutes learning/building something), and the rest whatever. It stops the 60 hours from feeling like an empty void. • Have one low‑effort chat outlet (small group / one friend / Discord) just for “here’s what I cooked / fixed today” so that part of your brain doesn’t feel completely unheard.

You don’t have to learn to love being alone right now. Short‑term goal can just be “make the next few months tolerable while my system adjusts”, and that’s completely reasonable.

I think there is already great advice in the comments.

This is my two cents.

Iterate and find a way to be comfortable with yourself, perhaps (re)try different things you used to like or try new things you like. If possible in a communal setting (for instance a introduction course in ...). It can be anything from learning a language to a artisan craft.

Mostly look for community you mention you like gaming, there are a lot of gaming related communities out there that are very welcoming!

Also try to go out of your way to leave your comfort zone, this will push you into situations that you are not getting into right now and that may lead to new opportunities.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I read every comment, and your help has been far more than I'd hoped for.

If anyone feels like chatting (about anything, really), I'm "theshawwn" on Snapchat. If you email me ([email protected]) I'll happily send you my number for texting / Signal. Any other app is fine too if you send me your info. I'll respond to everyone; I like hearing about your life, so feel free to talk about whatever you'd like, or just say hello.

You're all so kind. I grew up on HN (I think I was 19 when it first launched as Startup News) and the community never fails to amaze. Thank you for taking the time to try to help. I owe you all.

Are you in an area where not working remote is an option? The banter and camaraderie of an office and common timezone might give the social fill you need, and make the time alone at home that's left a pleasant change.

My mom moved to a remote area after she retired, she had a partner who moved there with her, although he was much older. They always lived in a house on a lake. She retired early because she wanted to enjoy the time that he was still active and travel, which they did. 10 years later her partner died and she had health complications that made it difficult for her to travel anymore. Once this happened, she hated the area she lived in. There wasn't even a YMCA nearby that she could exercise and swim at, which she would have enjoyed. She wouldn't go for a walk because her house was on a hill that was too difficult for her to walk. She could have driven to a different area and gone on walks but she didn’t ever want to do that by herself. It took me 45 minutes to drive to where she lived and help her grocery shop and clean house, which I did twice a week. The covid pandemic forced her to move into assisted living and she died three months after moving there due to her chronic illness. I couldn't tell you if the 10 years before things got bad were worth it in comparison to the misery she suffered at the end, but moving to a remote area definitely had its disadvantages that there was no solution for when it hit.

> I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers

Disclaimer: this is not medical advice, but have you considered being on less medication? I have seen a close family member become absolutely numbed from being on antidepressants, and although I have personally never been on them, I am highly skeptical that the amount of drugs the average American is being prescribed is healthy. My preferred choice of self-fixing is by quiet introspection, though I've had some useful experiences from therapy sessions as well.

First thing: No it is not normal thing to be alone. We humans are social animals. Once we are isolated we usually die soon, so take that seriously.

Being isolated from your tribe used to be a worse punishment than death. The greeks called that punishment ostracism. El mio Cid was the Spanish representative case.

In the US there is an epidemy of loneliness.

So, what to do? First recognise that this is a problem and do not dig deeper. Do not isolate yourself more. Do not play vdeogames, do not read books until you fix it.

My main advice is to stop thinking too much about yourself, think about others.

I was into religious(Cristian catholic) orgs and I helped old people(something I did not like), I helped poor people on the streets(liked it more) and I helped drug addicts and war refugees.

Helping drug addicts were a pain on the aßß, but once you make someone get out, he or she becomes a friend for life. It is like the friendships that are done in fighters of a war. Once you have put your life on the hands of someone else and trusted someone else so much, nothing can break that friendship.

If you think about that in a meta way, I was helping people that were marginalised, that were alone, and in the process I could not be alone. I did it in a religious group(a tribe in itself)

Thanks to this experience I can make friends very fast in a new place, something few adults know how to do.

If you are going to read, read a book called "How to influence people and make friends", but do not read the new book that is a badly revised book by the incompetent descendants of the writer, read the old original book.

But reading books is not going to help because you need action first, not reflection, and action is going to be painful for a while, and you have to endure the pain until it becomes easy. The best advise is to get out there, try hard, fail spectacularly and only then read the book.

Stop thinking about yourself, me, me and me. We are not wired to work for us alone. We are worked for working for others: Our tribe, our children, our family.

Instead of not trying to be alone, focusing on yourself (me, me and me) start thinking on helping other people that are alone. Start thinking on creating your own tribe or joining a new tribe. It can be a maker space, a group for hiking or helping or teaching kids.

Main question here - are you a male or a female? Advice will be totally different.

There is strong research showing that the discomfort of being alone is largely a skill deficit rather than a permanent trait. Wilson et al. (2014) found people would rather self-administer electric shocks than sit quietly with their thoughts for 15 minutes. The intervention that works best is structured solitude: giving yourself a specific internal task (journaling, reflection on a concrete question, even mental rehearsal of a skill) rather than open-ended "just be alone" time. The people who thrive in solitude tend to treat it as a practice they build incrementally, starting with short deliberate sessions, not something they jump into cold.

Try a few different CrossFit gyms near you; at least one is likely to have a strong social element. CrossFit is the closest thing there is to secular church, and most of the reason people go to church is for the social aspect.

CrossFit has its downsides (much ink has been spilled elsewhere), but the social element makes up for a lot.

You can easily end up doing 5-7 sessions a week there, with a consistent cohort of people that you develop relationships with.

Edit to add: CrossFit classes also add an element of structure to a daily routine that is not work related. This is really important. You don't have to plan anything for the class, other than show and and do the workout. But showing up at social event consistently has an impact all through your day.

I'm kind of going through the opposite. I was alone until 38, and then suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I'm now realising that I did indeed develop an effective strategy to combat loneliness over the years.

What you need is a personal project. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking this needs to be something with significant utility, but that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. My recommendation is to make your project as specific to your life as you want, and as dumb as you want. It could be a radio station localised only to your house, or a chat app for you and three other people, or a mechanical toy for a friend. Then find some friends or a community you can share that thing with when you're done.

Think about what it would be fun for you, specifically, to do, or to make, or to achieve, go do that thing, and then share it. This technique got me through 38 years of loneliness (mostly) unscathed, so I'm confident it can work for others too.

Lots of (good) practical advises for the day to day in this thread, but no mentions of Katabasis. Here's my take on the emotional side:

Stop the medication. Ride the way down and then back up. Cry your heart out, feel that pain, don't hide from it. It's a process, and has even a greek name:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katabasis

You are on your journey into the underworld and darkness. Face it and you'll come out stronger on the other side. Humans have endured much harder times. You are more resilient than you think.

Your days will start to improve little by little. Little glimmers of light here and there until you start leaving the bad times behind

I went through a separation 5 years ago after 12y together, no meds, just counseling. Not sure if your case is separation or death, cause I haven't gone through the latter