Ask HN: How to be alone?

I dont know if this will help you, but i want to improve my english, so maybe we can chat a bit about life, or coding or whatever you have in mind.

> I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that,

But this is a psychological trick. You "just" have to find your adaptation strategy and a way to move on.

I'd also suggest to see someone. Simply to talk it out and find those things in the process.

Being lonely is difficult. A lot of people will try to tell you that it is not or that you should be OK with it. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice is moralizing, the sort of "there must be something wrong with you if you can't be by yourself for long periods of time." This really annoys me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with people! Being social is one of our most fundamental needs. But just look at all the negative health benefits loneliness brings about[1]. If you wouldn't be OK with a friend smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you probably shouldn't be OK with yourself being lonely for most days.

Humans are social animals. Yes, some people are not like this. But if you feel unhappy when you are alone, there is nothing wrong with you. This only means that you are normal.

That aside -- what do you do when you are lonely? "Easy": Go to places where there are people doing stuff and join them. Eventually you will make weak connections. Ask these people to hang out in other contexts. You are done. There are no tricks. The hard part is it takes effort and time - you need to show up over weeks or months, and following up with people outside of the event and making plans is effortful.

If you want one really targeted tip: I love pickleball. Unlike almost any other sport, pickleball has a community where you can just wander over to a pickleball court and join in with virtually anyone. Also, it's great exercise, so even if you don't meet anyone you like, you still got healthier anyways - it's a win-win.

[1]: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-beast/2023...

Audiobooks are a good way to not feel alone in your head.

This feeling of loneliness is hard to fill. It takes time. I'm a pretty lonely person for other reasons, I go out and have friends but I find that there is too much noise in my mind and the moments of genuine connection are rare. I'm now reading books on chan (zen) and learning to cultivate and enjoy a more peaceful mind. I've finished therapy and been a psychiatric patient for years. Nothing worked until it did. It's constant education. I'm not claiming to be cured or healthy, but I'm happy. I can imagine how hard it is for you becoming so sudden.

There's definitely a lot of paths you can explore. There is therapy, philosophy, experiences. You can go to therapy to find answers. Even to find a first step. You can read any sort of books to find myriad new ways in which you could perceive the world and yourself in it. And the experiences come along the way. If you are taking the effort that is good. To take up effort you need to see the future. Seems like you believe in it, but wish to see it clearer. Just know that at the beginning of the path nothing is clear, but time is the only constant. And that every feeling is there to tell you something but you only need to recognize it. If it's still there trying to break through, let it through. With every move you make progress. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck my friend.

If you struggle being alone - you're not meant to be alone. It's not everyone's cup of tea

Hit the gym a lot to find your inner peace. Both weightlifting and lots of zone2

Games, hobbies, meds are not good. Those are like candy, you need real food.

There are 3 aspects to the issue you need to tackle:

# existential, deep

What you need to do is to get a glorious vision of 1- who you are and 2- what you are doing, aka. the plan.

Examples:

1- I am a scientist, 2- I'm getting a phd to then change the world with my research.

1- I am a father/husband, 2- I am raising a happy family.

1- I am a skinny/fat guy who will have an impressive transformation to bodybuilder, 2- I am targeting to raise my lean body mass by 2kg/year.

1- I am a guy with troubled emotions that feel like hell, who will overcome his suffering and find happiness, 2- I am becoming a buddist monk.

# physiological, shallow

Your negative emotions will be a burden in your journey to glory.

You need to feel comfortable being alone. You need to be able to be alone without intense negative emotions about it. It is like getting used to feeling cold/hot, hunger. Like adapting very hot sauna or marathons. You need to physiologically adapt to solitude.

The root solution will be what I explained before. Short-term, it would be good to have a break and to restart fresh (next time recognizing you didn't do it well the 1st time with your games, and that you need to work on a glorious plan). Options to get a break:

- move back with your parents for 1-2 years

- go to some cheap and nice destination and live in hostels, shared room. Change hostels every few weeks. Chat with guests. Just having a 'good morning' goes a long way.

# practical solution

While you have to adapt to solitude, you can also work on getting relationships. In order to do this:

- go out and talk to people physically (Internet doesn't count). You can actually go to a stranger on a park/mall and talk. Try it. Also explore bars, courses, events. When you go to those, you have to talk to people, you get 1 point for each person you talk to, otherwise 0 points.

- make a list of people you have known and see if you can get back in touch and deepen the relationship. Include in the list people you currently have some relationship with. Yes, even the cashier that always gives you a good smile when he says: 'debit or credit?'. You can deepen the relationship over several days in this sequence: polite smiles -> trivial chit-chat -> personal talk -> invitation to hang out.

Society seems to disapprove of liking to be alone. What else can we expect, it's a society, so of course it does. But if you really want me to teach you how to do this terrible thing:

View it as an opportunity. You don't have to fix the blinds or cook, and you don't have tell anybody about it. There is nobody to maintain an image for. You can be really gross, or incredibly lazy, nobody will notice. (This is perhaps the real meaning of Sartre's phrase "hell is other people".)

Drop the pitiful attitude. Instead of whining "Who will comfort me?" you must experiment with saying "Yes! Everybody has finally fucked off!".

For a while it will seem as if you need other people to give life depth and meaning, but this is an illusion. You are habituated to leaching meaning off them, is all. Now you have to find your own sources. "Solitary confinement with internet" sound like the most ideal prison to me: would you really want to be surrounded by other prisoners, with their noise and drama?

This is adaptation, and thus will take time, because of ingrained habits, expectations, and habits not yet arrived at. The process unfortunately is slow and stupid and you'll have to sit it out, perhaps in front of a games console.

Get better games, until you find one you can immerse yourself in for a month, with enthusiasm. Don't skimp in hunting for games.

Listen to the silence. That is, listen to the distant ambient sounds. This should be soothing meditation, and if you do it long enough you'll get the peculiarly naughty and sensual feeling of sitting quietly. Think of it as a free John Cage concert. Silence is golden, right? It's something rare. Social people are continually destroying it for one another, so they miss out.

Start a defacto book club in a local cafe, that is, become a regular, show up with a book at approximately same day, same hour

Read books & audiobooks. Find a meetup club for books near you.

> many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required

You can hear that from people who are not truly alone, but have more attention from their closest than they need.

The answer to your question - "Don't". Shift your priorities, reshape your life, change your place of living if needed, but don't be alone. This shit will kill you.

Maybe you can discover other ways to be connected with meaninful people – not necessarily the closest/relatives ones - through sports, volunteering, local neighborhood initiatives. If needed, spend more money on it, travel to other countries to meet people that you care about. Anything that leads to real human hug will work. I measure unloneliness progress in the average number of human hugs per day :). Optimize your life for that.

Whatever you do, refuse to have the life where you're alone.

You were together all your adult life - you’re not two people anymore, you’re cleaved as one.

And now that’s been severed. It will hurt.

New hobbies and getting your mind off things won’t cut it. If this was a physical injury you wouldn’t recommend someone start a new sport. Your soul is injured.

If the partnership is totally irreconcilable (or if it’s something more tragic, then my condolences) then you just need to accept that and take the time to heal. But is it irreconcilable?

Good luck.

I don't have much to add - just that I hope you find peace with your new normal. My heart goes to you.

Try to do your best and “invade” the still existing third spaces, no matter if that involves some extra money that otherwise you wouldn’t have spent. The best example for that are coffee shops, pick two or three of them and try to go there almost every day, by rotation, even for work (if during the week), or just for reading/browsing your phone. Be sure to bring your dog with you.

There are also parks, not sure if there are any of those in your general area, but make sure to make a routine out of walking your dog through them. Also make sure to sit on a bench for 5, 10, even 30 minutes, people-watching, even if it’s the middle of the day and work is waiting. Let it wait.

I have a friend on anti depressants and she mentions the same hollowness and lack of wanting to do anything - despite having a good social life.

When I went through depression I refused meds, self medicated with weed (don't take it as medical advice) and got through the end of it.

I'd blame the meds and recommend gently weaning off them. Once you feel better rebuilding a social life is absolutely possible.

Best of luck with everything

If you're intersted in (local) politics, join the local chapter of your favorite political party. Not sure where you live obviously, but in my experience, local political chapters do a lot of community work and events where you're together with other members, etc. And obviously there's already a common interest, so it's a great place to get to meet new people.

At the same time, you will being contributing more to a better democracy in your country!

don't problematize it. you get target lock from that and it will derail you from the things you enjoy.

the real questions are:

- what would you like? - what would you do if you wouldn't fail?

I live in the proverbial cottage in the woods, have for years now, more Thoreau's Walden than Kaczinsky's cabin by far. The solitude is the most precious thing.

I chop a lot of wood, practice classical music, walk my dog and ride horses. I sit by a fire year round a couple times a week. Some years I do a garden. I'm in constant training in arts.

I also have a pretty intense job (security) that benefits from being able to walk and have lunch by the river in a forest.

The things I tend to avoid because they are degrading to the human spirit are:

- political accounts

- dating sites

- mainstream news

- social media

- exurbs

- franchises or big box anything

- microsoft anything

- shelf stable foods

it's only a problem if you make it one.

Go to bed early. Firday after work stay in bed till Monday morgning. Enjoy 5 days of work. repeat.

Opportunity to cultivate one’s interior life:

https://www.ecatholic2000.com/lagrange/interior1/interior.sh...

https://www.ecatholic2000.com/lagrange/interior2/interior2.s...

There may be a 24/7, or frequently open, adoration chapel nearby to you. Maybe you could make a daily trip to spend a little time (a “holy hour”) with Christ present with us on earth in the Blessed Sacrament?

Don't work remote.

Check out improv if that might be your jam. I was effectively in the same situation (more so, via the empty-nest syndrome). Couple that to moving to a new town and working remotely, the isolation was devastating.

Improv pretty much selects for people that are playful, intelligent, and kind (it's a team sport after all).

Another aspect is learn to dance. Dance communities can be very strong, and dancing is a wonderful activity on so many levels. I initially went with expectations of meeting somebody, but now it's solely for the activity and sense of community.

> but it feels empty

> Everything feels hollow

> antidepressants

I presume you already know this, but it may be worth reminding that the typical effect of antidepressants is to make people feel blank. It erases the negative, but also the positive.

My mother died 2 years ago and a couple of months ago I lost my job. I don't have any friends and have no family left. I tried antidepressants, but I don't believe in chemical help anymore. I read self-help books like "Feeling Good".

I take care of the house, walk the dog, apply to jobs, go swimming twice a week. I won't starve. If I don't find a job soon I might go back to school and go into teaching.

Move to South America and let the problem solve by itself.

Why fight a culture that enforces individualism?

Just move to a place where it’s rare being alone.

People in mexico and south are just different

I initially read this as "I want to experience aloneness, how do I do it". I read it that way because to me, being alone is an incredibly wonderful and useful experience. You can know things when you are alone that you cannot otherwise know. Like your true size in the universe. There is nothing like being alone at night, outside, when the temperature is 20 without anything or anyone around you.

This is not something you will experience when being alone, locked in a room or a building. Or surrounded by people. You need to be in the wild, in nature. Do it.

In those moments of being alone you learn something that allows you to be more alive. More deeply in the world. And a way to give you a context for not being alone.

So my first suggestion is to go someplace where you are completely alone and on your own for a while. Out in nature.

People can be the most wonderful creatures on earth. And the worst. There is a pretty good way to find them at their best, and it is hilarious. Go on a quest.

What is a quest? It is not an intellectual thing, it is a thing of the heart. It does not have to be a great thing, but it does have to be one that matters to you - you have to care about it.

For example, you might decide to spend the night outside, alone in the winter. Do not read a book about this. Start asking people. Tell them why you are going on your quest and ask them if they know anyone who can help you learn how.

Now the secret to a successful quest is to follow it. If someone says Joe and Josie know, then go ask Joe and Josie. And of course you are honor bound to actually do the quest. People are utterly wonderful about helping someone, so ask for help.

Finally, write. Get a fountain pen and a notebook (or cheat and get a ballpoint pen). Sit down. Set a timer for one hour and write. The goal is to write sentences continuously for one hour. It matters not what you write. If you want (and can actually do it) you can write the same one over and over, but it has to be some sentence - no matter how broken.

We all get stuck in the past. The cure for the past is the future, the new. You have open doors in front. One or more of those has better things than anything in your past. So go there.

Plenty of people have already said join a gym. I'll build on that and say try and find one that offers group classes - anything from the Les Mills line up, for instance. For several years until Covid struct, I used to do Body Combat twice a week, along with occasional Cx Works and Body Pump. A year before I started doing all of that it had never occurred to me that I might want to set foot in a gym!

In the most difficult stages of my life I've found that exercise raised my energy levels and left me more able to tackle the things I needed to face - and the friends I made through group classes helped as well.

Look for other kinds of in-person group activities (if you play an instrument, open mic nights, retro-computing meets or hackspaces), and give them a go - even if they're not the kind of thing you usually enjoy - be prepared to be surprised!

My advice is find a fairly priced coworking facility in your area and join that. Even better if it is a maker space also. Or just join the maker space. Its not good to work at home AND be alone all the time, if you're not the kind of person that likes that. If for some reason you don't have coworking places, you can often find cheap offices in business parks on a month to month plan, but it will require some luck or some work to make friends with people in that environment. Theres tons of good but random advice that could work, but the above I think would be a very small change to your life but also put you around tons of people. Goodluck. Keep in mind that there are also countless people that would love to be in your situation, although I dont know if that helps you.

First off, it's just hard. Sorry you have to go through it.

What's worked unfailingly for me for the 40+ years since I became an adult was always having long term habits that moved my life forward. I had no guidance on the big stuff, so from about age 12 I methodically taught myself about programming, sculpting a career, investment, running a business, running a household, being funny, being a man, etc. All years-long efforts. (If I had to do it all again I'd replace one of those with a martial art.)

So I had something to work on instead of lapsing into depression during very dark times. If you met me the last thing you would imagine is that chicks dig me, but they do. I'm not good looking by any standards. But building these skills created a person that people know can get things done at a pretty high level. People like a confident dude, and that will probably serve you much better than spending an ungodly amount of time on Hinge.

Help people , there are many who need help.

> There are the usual suggestions: […] But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.

There are some other suggestions and ideas here in the comments and your response also boils down to “thank you but that’s too hard”.

Sorry to say this but - it’s going to be hard. Did you want something easy? I don’t think it exists in this situation. Creating new routines and breaking out into something different from what you were used to for years, will take effort and resources. There’s no magic pill.

You can do this but it’ll take effort and discipline. Go for it!

It was normal to die at that age 100 years ago, so you treat it like death, the stuff beyond physiological and safety needs don't matter.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm impressed that you are in touch enough with your feelings to articulate it.

There's a lot of great advice in this thread. The best I have is to 1) Join a gym and go consistently. Nothing improves your mood like endorphins. Plus, at 38 you'll be amazed at what kind of shape you can get in. 2) Meditate. Learning to be present and grounded will enable you to decide who you want to be and who you want to be with. One I like is called Quantum Light Breath, particularly the version from Jeru Kabbal. It's a guided meditation so you can do it alone, although it is great in a group as well. Spoiler: It has nothing to do with quantum mechanics or the physics of light. There is a lot of breathing, though.

Good luck.

Main question here - are you a male or a female? Advice will be totally different.

What are your hobbies?

I deal with loneliness the same way I'd deal with any addiction. I tell myself I just need to get through one minute at a time, then one hour and then one day. It's not even a whole 24h, I only have to be awake for 16h and I can get through that. Tomorrow doesn't matter, because I might not have to wake up again. If I do, I'll handle it then.

This allows me to not add any further worry/anxiety/pain to the day. when it hurts, I get by, and when the pain stops for a few hours, I enjoy the things I have available to me - walks on the beach, substance abuse (chocolate), reading, watching TV. I tend to watch the same shows over and over, it's almost like having friends, but they never leave. I do try to talk to one human being at least once a week even if it's online, just to make sure my voice still works. It's important to realise that nothing really matters in the end. There's no viva committee at the end that will pass/fail you. Serving your time on earth is the only thing that matters. Once the time is passed, you never have to serve it again.

Lying on the grass, gazing at the sky, city walk, city drive,

Hi dude, sorry about this. Hope it is for the better.

What you are feeling is absolutely natural. If you lost somebody in your life(parents, grandparents), which you shared a lot of time with and enjoyed sharing your upsides and downsides, you'll feel like somebody took a part of you.

Whether that person was good for you or not, we have chemicals in our brains that want us to have friends and company, as this is what made our species be so successful! So, no need to overthink this, your brain is working exactly as it should.

As you like playing games, I'd recommend getting a copy of WoW Midnight, which just launched and giving it a try. It's a very sociable game and your first goal should be to get in a guild and find new friendships.

As everybody is 30+ in the game and actually average around your age, it'll be easy for you to find similar people to you.

My second recommendation is to look at your own interests, even stuff you left behind because of your partner.

For instance, I like climbing and even going bouldering solo might mean I'll make some friends along the way.

You need to do things that get you together with people. People will help you get healed.

Also if the climate allows take your dog for a walk to the park and try to consistently spend time there. This will net you company very quickly, but don't go so fast, let things take time.

I hope you find peace in your heart!

> Everything feels hollow now.

I'm slightly younger than you are but I remember how video games and sitting in front of my computer made me feel like this. You asked how to be willing to be alone but I will pivot my answer here that maybe you don't have to be alone? If you don't want to be alone here are the steps I would take nowadays.

I would recommend finding a improv class. This helps you to get used to laugh to yourself and make a fool of yourself. Also the people attending improv classes are more open in general. When you are more comfortable with these feelings then it becomes easier to open up a conversation with strangers. First times it feels awkward but you can frame the narrative that this is just you learning social skills and your body adapting to the new situation. When you do this enough it becomes easier to find new people into your life. You might feel creepy and they might feel that you're creepy but it becomes easier when you practice. Be open about your learning: "Sorry if I'm bothering you. I'm trying to learn how to speak to others. How is your day going?"

If the chit-chat goes well ask them for coffee or a lunch or if they want to join you for a walk with your dog. Strangers often ask if they can pet my dog when walking in the public with her. Put your focus into them rather than your feelings. Ask how their day has been. Ask how do they spend their time. Ask follow up questions: "Oh you like knitting? It reminds me of my Grandma. Are your granparents still alive? How often do you see them?". This way other people feel that you are actually paying attention and it helps you to connect with them.

Read also this one: https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-ha...

Learn how to use your calendar and start planning stuff together with the people you meet. Most of the people are just self-centered and want to have someone who would listen to them. If you provide this for them you will find people who are interested in your company. Hopefully eventually you will meet also few people who will listen to you as well.

When you start having more friends/acquaintances the hollow feeling did go away for me. The hollow feeling still comes every now and then but I've somehow accidentally built a routine that when it comes I will reach my phone and suggest something to do for my friends.

YMMV but for me it has been a long journey but definitely worth it and doable for others if they can endure the anxiety during the way. Also remember to sleep/eat/excercise in addition like others said. When you don't everything else falls apart.

This will get downvoted to oblivion, but consider a major change: enlist in the military, sign up for a stint on a commercial fishing vessel, or go work as a firefighter. You will have tons of time with other people, even live with them for extended periods, but they will also tend to respect your space.

Start dancing Argentine tango. I am dead serious.

Need a buddy?

What used to be on the domain in your bio?

I have been through the exact same thing at the same age.

I'm 40 now.

The last two years, I had to learn how to be alone with myself. How to deal with the ups and downs, and frankly, it was the most difficult yet the most growth I ever had in my life.

You asked on HN thinking that there would be at least one person who is pathetik enough to cope with such a lifestyle. You are correct.

But I don’t feel like answering this question.

I am kind of put off by your description of your psychiatrist.

No, it's not a great psychiatrist when they subscribe you drugs to "fix" things. Drugs should be the very last resort. A psychiatrists' role is to help you with self debugging your memories and to help you put them into a context that you can understand easier. They should be a guide for dealing with emotional trauma and help you process and understand the loops that make you feel helpless, and to help you understand the moments that were out of your control.

Please, OP, find a psychiatrist where you feel safe to share, and that helps you to deal with the emotional loss. Swallowing it up because society expects you to be a "man" is unhealthy behavior, and carrying over trauma into your next relationship is unfair to the other/next person in your life.

Other than that, my advice would be to write a list of things you always wanted to do. And just do them. Find out what you are passionate about and what makes you happy.

Find a sport to keep your biological machine maintained, and find the thing you care about the most. There is a lot of problems in our society to get involved with. If there is no community around the things you care about, then found one and invite others to join.

You are not as alone as you think, you just stopped reaching out.

Go to where the people are.

Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.