So then why does no one offer 99.999% uptime guarantees in writing?
It should be low risk to offer such guarantees then.
If you are asking this question you don't understand what it takes to hit 5 nines in a real life measured system.
You can certainly sign a contract for five nines SLA with cloud providers.
You just won't like the price.
Well, (a) why would they? (b) "uptime" has shifted from a binary "site up/down" to "degraded performance", which itself indicates improvements to uptime since we're both pickier and more precise.