Lieutenant Appleby rejected my submission almost immediately. The notice informed me that I had committed the grave offense of impersonating a third party in the description.

"I didn't impersonate a third party," I explained in my message to Lieutenant Appleby. "I only wrote a disclaimer stating: Not affiliated with ACME."

"Exactly," lieutenant appleby replied. "By stating you have nothing to do with ACME, you have involved ACME. Therefore, you are unlawfully impersonating an unaffiliated party."

"But I only mentioned them to prove I wasn't affiliated with them!"

"Which is a violation," Lieutenant Appleby pointed out.

It was a Catch-22. The Guidelines stated that to prove you were not affiliated with a third party, you had to write a disclaimer. But to write the disclaimer, you had to type the third party’s name, which was a strict violation of the rule against mentioning third parties you were not affiliated with.

I deleted the disclaimer, thereby making myself safely affiliated with nobody by refusing to acknowledge anyone. I resubmitted the app.

Lieutenant Appleby rejected it again.

"What is it this time?" I asked.

"You are using your app's name," Lieutenant Appleby replied.

"Of course I am using my app's name," I replied back. "It is the name of my app."

"You cannot use that name. It is trademark infringement."

"Infringing on whose trademark?"

"The app's."

"But I am the app! It is my app!"

"Which is exactly why you cannot use it," Lieutenant Appleby wrote patiently. "If you use the app's name, you are impersonating the app. And impersonation is strictly forbidden by the Guidelines. An app cannot go around pretending to be itself!"