Ask HN: How to be alone?

“You merely adopted the loneliness. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't know love until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!”

More seriously, ride the loneliness with manly grace: lose the shrink drugs, grind your teeth, clench your butt and lose yourself in body sculpting, disturbing art, brain exercises, etc... and if you want a bit of balm, remember that you're no wizard.

> I'm also finding it difficult to think of things to do

Why do you need things to do?

Meditate on this. Everything else is noise.

> I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).

Go back to working together with people, face to face, if that's something you maybe miss. Everyone works in different ways, some people need to spend their long days while working at least together with other people, and that's ok.

Try focusing on doing for other people. Volunteering, joining your local religious group, random acts of kindness. This will give your life meaning and help you find wholesome and healthy relationships.

There are a lot of great comments here and I want to echo so many of them and not duplicate them.

There is one thing I'd like to add:

Learning to be happy while alone takes practice - lots of it. It's not easy, but it does get easier.

Learning to enjoy being along was one of the most important moments in my life, and it changed a lot of how I see the world now. I feel like this is up there with learning self-care that works for you - equally important and yet different.

Hey friend, I am also 38, and I am also recently "aloned". I had a break up in August and lived with my parents until February.

At first it was strange, I was acutely feeling the loneliness. But gradually I started seeing its upsides, and I am beginning to dangerously enjoy it haha.

I am using the time and space to take care of and express myself. Live slowly, cook myself warm dinners, nice coffees; I made a cozy nook for reading, I am planning on adding fragrant flowers to my terrace.

I am planning on a routine, which includes going to the gym and actually trying and enjoy moving my body. Sometimes I have the luxury of just sitting in the park next to the gym and soak up some sun, enjoy the sounds if birds and the water fountain.

I am hybrid so I get to go to the office and see my colleagues. Somehow, luckily, every weekend some social event happened, a dear friend came to visit. It was my aunts birthday. I also have a housewarming planned in two weeks which motivates me to make the place beautiful to show off.

My advice would be, simply, to focus on the current moment. Thoughts take you awry, try not to ruminate. Have a plan, and trust the process. There are five things absolutely needed for health and happiness(not in a particular order):

1. Good food 2. Exercising 3. Sunlight 4. Sleep 5. Friends

So while you are alone, I would question the rest too, do you eat well? Do you exercise? Do you go out? Do you sleep well?

The way our mind works is whenever a state comes up, it ups the likelihood of that state to come up again. So try to summon happy states, would be difficult and feel fake at first but it really works. Gratitude is a good one. Writing or expressing it doesn't work well for me, so I like to do it when I clean, I feel grateful as I am gently scrubbing the mirror for instance for helping me fix up my appearance. Find yours.

From what you wrote it sounds like you already know what to do, but you are reluctant. Why is that? One could identify with one's depression by ruminating over it.

In closing I highly recommend the book, the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, it has a free audiobook on YouTube too.

I wish you the best of luck. Life could be whatever you want it to be and there is no true self, all is constructed and you can engineer your psyche anew.

Cheers

I don't have any advice for being alone, but I want to remind you that you can open up your phone right now, start messaging people to say "want to come over for dinner at my place next Sunday?", and keep going until you have no more free seats at the dining table. You don't have to make peace with being alone.

If something gets in the way and stops you from doing this, then that thing - depression, anxiety, not having anyone to message, your friends are all busy, you don't feel ready - might help you understand and fix whatever is going on at a deeper level.

Also, that sucks. I've been in a similar place at various points in my life and it can feel inescapable until, somehow, you escape.

Start small, with things that don't require any preparation or commitment. Go walk a bit, aimlessly. It's a difficult time for you and you might simply need to back off for a bit. Eat well, sleep, exercise.

Definitely avoid any social media, youtube, etc. I'd suggest to limit your screen usage to just your work-life. You do not want to compare yourself with people who are not in your position. Spending time on the internet is not fulfulling.

Once you have a healthy daily routine down (which you might have already), a lifehack is to challenge yourself to get good at something that you would never have imagined yourself doing. The idea is that you will fill your head with thoughts about how to improve, rather than thinking about other things which might be too much to process right now. This is why the "start lifting" suggestions work. You don't have to lift, but simply set some random goal. Avoid trying to achieve some big ambition that you've always had.

Once you're on this path, with time you will recalibrate. It seems you are a social person and I bet you will find other people to connect with.

From my own experience, switching from a remote job to an in-office job helped when I felt too isolated. The job market is tough (from what I've heard), so you can check if you could join a coworking space or simply go to the local library to work. I've had friends that are happy to just work together in the same space.

The point of my response is not to tell you "how to be alone", but helpful advice if you want to make changes to your life, if you are unsatisfied with it. If you are unhappy, you could fill all your time thinking about how unhappy you are. It's not helpful, though. For now, find ways to fill your time, and while you do that, I truly believe you will find your footing again.

One thought that I have from my experience of going through a divorce: think of who else in your life is important to you, and reach out to them more. If you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through, even if they're only available by phone or email or texting or video chat, do it.

Try out something like Timeleft (https://timeleft.com/). It's in most major cities now, and it will set you up with a dinner reservation for you and 5 strangers who are also looking to make friends.

I had a tough breakup a couple years ago and I know it would have been way tougher if I hadn't discovered Timeleft.

Even if you have enough friends already, you're at the age where it's probably difficult to get together regularly.

It's also good if you travel alone and want a night out in a city where you don't know anyone.

Once I graduated from school, I found it hard to make friends. My mid-20s were very lonely when I moved for work.

A few things I did:

I periodically had roommates. This wasn't the same experience as a college roommate, but at the time it helped with the loneliness.

I started going to tech meetups. (I lived in Silicon Valley.) This ultimately was where I met most of my friends.

(When I worked from home,) I would occasionally work out of a hacker space. After I changed jobs, I remained a member and went to social events. This was where I met the rest of my friends.

I volunteered.

---

Some things that didn't work for me, but might work for you:

I tried going to church. (In my case I found a hippy interfaith that focused on world religions instead of Christianity.) This didn't last very long for me for reasons that I won't discuss here; but if you find a community that you like, it can work wonders. Churches are fundamentally social organizations.

I went to Burning Man twice. The community operates similar to a church. For various reasons, it didn't work for me, but if you're on the same wavelength of a Burning Man or "local burn" group, it can work for you.

I would often sit at the bar for 1-2 hours in the afternoon and have 1-2 beers. Sometimes I had great conversations, but it never lead to friendship.

> no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks

lies

where do you post your home DIY and grill updates?

Look around your town and try a few regular local group activities. See "third place" for ideas. Be patient with yourself. This will take time, and that's okay.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Some of my most durable adult friendships started at group ballroom dance classes. The studio was a 15-minute drive from my suburban home, twice per week, and focused on social dancing, not competitive. I don't think dancing was the thing that made it work, but funny teachers and regular faces. That studio closed (pre-pandemic, thank goodness). No studio since has recreated the magic, but other activities have.

>I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers

>Everything feels hollow ... feels like being imprisoned

Just a humble observation: you may not have a psychiatrist that great.

You take three different medications just for everything to feel hollow? And that is life?

That sounds quite depressing to my ear.

My advice: find a community IRL, and hear from them IRL. Solitary confinement with internet is definitely not healthy. Go outside, learn something new, meet people and interact with them in real life, "remote" won't cut it. Meds will not make you feel, people will.

Spirituality helps. Listen to Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Adyashanti, etc. They help make sense of the macro and micro picture of life. Think of it as narrative oinment for your thinking mind and narrative center of gravity. Check your vitamin D levels, get tests done. My vitamin D levels were so low that I considered it as an effort to even fart. I am not joking.

I guess no one is going to say the obvious, so I'll bite.

Find someone else, make this a top priority. Forget online dating, just go out and try to make connections. Make this a top priority, much like trying to find a new job.

The rest of the people giving you coping mechanisms is just slop. Most people aren't meant to be alone. You sound like one of these people. You're looking for life hacks to deal with something that sounds like it's very much a choice. Do not go gentle into that good night. It's not going to get easier. And God forbid you have some medical issues which we all inevitably do. Who is going to take care of you? Who are you going to spend your last breaths on? Some passive musings to a nurse?

If you live in a coastal place, and if you don't hate water, I recommend joining a sailing club and start sailing. It is a great social catalyst and it is relatively easy to get started.

Couple of things that helped me in similar situations:

- volunteer: find a place you can help others, go cook for the homeless, work with other volunteers, not only are you doing good and meeting new people, you also appreciate what you have more

- think about what made you happy when you were younger, connect with your younger self, explore the dreams you never had a chance to fulfill

- go to therapy: this will help you better understand your feelings, a professional who is there to listen to you, help you get out of loops you are stuck in, normalize your thinking about life. Hinghly recommended!

- do sports: this will help you stay fit and have little successes, you can feel good about.

The world is wonderful, try to explore it and be patient with yourself. Trust the process, improve yourself, be kind and look at this period as a test that will shape your future self. It’s hard now but better days are coming if you put in the work. Good luck!

Are you in an area where not working remote is an option? The banter and camaraderie of an office and common timezone might give the social fill you need, and make the time alone at home that's left a pleasant change.

So, I've been through this. I found a couple things really helpful.

1) make plans with people. Do something with a friend or friends and say "want to make this a regular thing?" For me, I went hiking every saturday morning at 9am, and coffee afterwards with a friend. Another friend was regular weekly lunches.

2) write it down. You will have all these thoughts, about the relationship, about yourself, and more. Just write it down. It will show you who you are. You will begin to unpack things.

3) exercise. Wears you out, makes you sleep, makes you smarter, puts your head on straight.

4) give it time. Right now you can do anything. that's a negative, but will become a positive as you rediscover yourself and relax.

Only one passing mention of martial arts so far? Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding. After spending all your waking hours at a computer, grappling presses your soul back into your body. It's a very different kind of socialising, mutually-exhausted extremely-physical and in my experience very wholesome, even if the injury risk is higher than nearly every other hobby. (And you guarantee getting every airborne infection. I got two serious colds and the bona-fide flu this winter; still worth it.)

While I understand you have a professional helping you.. I really recommend the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns. The exercises in it, and the explanation of false labeling we do that causes us problems, are very helpful IMO. I once ruminated over a 4 year relationship, tons of details about it, probably for a year straight. I did one of the exercises ('... and if that were true, it would mean that....?' over and over to any response you have) til I got to the bottom of every negative thought I had about her, me, or the relationship. I am not joking when I say I woke up the next day and couldnt even REMEMBER 75% of the negative emotions I wrote down for the exercises. I was genuinely cured of 1 years worth of rumination in 2 hours of writing things down the way the book tells you to.

Go to a cooking lesson, a dancing lesson, a climbing lesson, a music lesson or a whateverthefuck lesson. That’s like a dummy’s way to socialize and find some people to hung around.

I personally found my community at church. It is a physical activity/community that meets every week. While i haven't been completely alone I have had feelings of loneliness I think loneliness and meaningless go together. So when you find meaning in certain parts of your life it can help but actual human contact (friends or family, or community) is an aspect that we cant do without. Go to the latin mass :) if you want to experience something new

Looking back from the vantage point of 70+ years of life, and having seen many people experience this very thing, I think the key is to get to know yourself. That sounds cliche, I know. Up until now, you have defined yourself in terms of your relationships with other people: your family, your partner, your spouse, your work group, etc. Many of the folks I've known had never been on their own, never done their own laundry, cooked their own meals, and so on. When divorce hit, they were devastated. And socially set adrift. In a few cases, they responded by hooking up with the first person that gave them the time of day, which proved to be less than optimal. The more successful of those transitioning to being alone worked on learning who they were, what interested them, how to do the routine things that perhaps someone else did for them in the past, and so forth. One person I knew experienced this in their 40s. He prepared his first meal for himself at 46. After stumbling around a bit, he decided to throw himself into cooking, discovered that he loved it, and went to school to become a professional chef, giving up software development for cooking, less money but far happier. When we search for hobbies and connections, far too often we look where we've always been. For those of us in some computer related field, it may be programming, video games, and other tangential "hobbies". When we branch out, e.g., learn a musical instrument, take dancing or singing classes (great way to meet people), take up public speaking (Toastmasters), find a good gym, or any other pursuits, we discover things we never knew we loved and people from outside our usual social circles which up until then had been dominated by work relationships. Suddenly, one is no longer alone and forms friendships based on shared interests and mutual connection. Those friendships are more durable than most of the relationships one forms at work. And in the process, one may find a new romantic interest, or several. Bottom line, break out of your comfort zone, and try something new. And if you find that exceedingly difficult or even debilitating, perhaps seeking the help of a professional would be beneficial. No, none of this is easy, but it is a great opportunity to discover yourself, other people, and to enrich your life experience dramatically. Good luck.

> "Solitary confinement with internet" is a lit better than being in prison. Not sure I’d like the company there.

Volunteering is a good way to get out of the house and meet people, while helping others at the same time.

Are you an IT person? In my experience charities are desparate for IT related help:

https://successfulsoftware.net/2018/02/04/volunteering-your-...

I wish you luck.

I saw this a couple of years ago and felt that it might help you https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=d1ibZfR9uKbuXpCd. Best of luck OP.

>Everything feels hollow now

You need to figure that one out if you want to truly get out of this funk. The rest is secondary.

If you feel like you have "too much free time" and you need to occupy it to keep bad thoughts away, volunteer. Also hit the gym/a sport (padel seems to have taken off !)

Is this really new or you were already alone but distracted with others? It is ok to feel alone. It is natural, and as long as you take the time to learn about yourself and what you really want and need, you'll learn and grow (even enjoy). It won't be your last time, but it gets easier as you get older. Cherish that your only priority is yourself (and your dog. f*k the cat :-p). It won't last.

I believe it is good to learn to be on your own for a while, it helps you figure out what you really want for yourself, but most humans are social being so don't try to accept it as the new normal as this is clearly not what you want. But it sounds a bit like you ask for advice for that.

It sounds you likely want a new partner, so .. at some point go out and find one. Not a replacement, your old partner seems gone, you want a different person you want to start a new life with.

And if you don't want a different person .. then you should first get over the divorce with your last partner. Otherwise it likely won't work.

(And aside "I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizer" those things can have side effects, meaning you are stable to do your work, but are otherwise stuck emotionally. Therapy is a bit more, then taking meds)

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/feb/24/strange... should help.

This sounds like grief and depression to me. You're struggling because you're still mentally filtering everything you do through another person who is no longer part of your life. You must learn to do things for you, not for someone else. You may find that some things you thought you enjoyed you actually were only doing for someone else. Likewise, you may discover that what you want do purely for yourself is different from what you might expect or predict.

Time will heal some of this naturally. But the #1 recommendation I would always make to anyone in this situation is to pursue exercise. Weightlifting, hiking, etc., generate rapidly compounding results across multiple dimensions of your life and also often generate some of the most authentic social experiences you can find as a 30+ year old adult.

That's a really tough situation, but with some active work it's manageable.

Most important to remember that the feeling of loss you have for your family connection, is real, is okay. But like all things you will learn to live with it and see benefits in it if you work at it.

Nothing can replace meeting people, new (seeing people and talking to people) and familiar (family & friends).

So how does someone in your situation achieve this?

Well you've mentioned hobbies and this is your best option:

- is there a board game cafe near you? They often run social events especially DnD open nights.

- adult education classes. In person is good but online is fine..why don't you see who runs online courses? Location matters less. French, Spanish, Japanese?

- activities, these are great but need to have a connection to them. Swim clubs are great as are bouldering/climbing clubs.

A few things that have helped me in the past are: - Find small wins. Don't expect big changes immediately. Small wins accumulate over time. Examples: say hi to neighbors, go to a gym, work from a coffee shop etc. - Join a coworking space. This was a huge help personally. It still took more than a few months but this changed my life.

Hope these help a bit!

Maybe not specific advice for your situation but I've always found this poem moving and valuable when it comes to building comfort in being alone. I hope it helps you too https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=LwCMyP0L2vsllHJl

Stop running away from the self you've never known.

My friend was in a similar situation, and what he did was just went on Meetup and Facebook and searched for groups for things that he was into. Two of those groups were white collar boxing and open mic nights. I had no idea he was lonely before. He was my friend. If you filled one day of your week with a social group in the evening and then another day of the week with another social group. And eventually you feel like you're doing enough things. And you'll end up being your friend. I only meet mine once a month outside of those, but it's still really nice. Also, if you do join any social groups, you'll find yourself going to the pub afterwards.

I'm used to being alone due to difficulties socializing and having moved multiple times. I will turn 31 later this year.

Short term I would suggest you going to cafes or other similar places in the weekends. Even if you end up not interacting with people, having them around already helps in itself. Plus, you might actually end up interacting with someone.

To get out of the bad mood, you can also try to call a relative on the phone, I found this to be helpful many times in the moment, but not always.

Personally, especially now that the weather is getting warm where I am, I often go out for walks or runs while listening to podcasts. But beware that using headphones all the time makes it harder to interact with others.

More long term, I would advice looking for a job where you show up in person, so that you get to interact with your coworkers.

I would also suggest talking about this with your psychiatrist, to get some advice that is more tailored to you. One last thing. While I'm not a doctor and this definitely isn't medical advice, I heard about studies showing that physical exercise is as effective as certain anti-depressants. You could discuss this with your doctor as well, as if it works for you, it has more benefits and less side effects than pills. Additionally, if you join some sport class that could be another way to meet people.

I'm 37 and can relate to this. I lived and worked in another country for a pretty long time and was forced to move back home due to layoffs. I dont really know anybody apart from my family members any longer because I was away for so long. I don't feel bad about it all the time but there are days when I too feel hollow and long for some social life. I don't have a lot of answers, traveling has helped me to connect with other travelers a bit, that's one thing.

How long has it been? It can’t not be hard at first. But if you try hard enough you’ll learn to be comfortable with yourself and be alone. Finding hobbies does help for sure, particularly those that involve people.

You could try yoga too, starting from scratch is a great place to begin. It’s a great tool to learn to see yourself objectively and be able to let external things affect you less. (I’ve been practicing for 10ish years and teaching for 5ish) Also yoga communities are usually great because it’s mostly people trying to actively improve themselves. But do go for the dynamic style if you try it, because it builds the mind but also the body. So even if you don’t get into the spiritual stuff, you always get a good workout.

Best of luck. Hope you can find the strength to embrace the pain and not flee or hide from it, because it truly makes us stronger.

Whatever you do, don't learn to cope with being alone. I did, and it was my biggest mistake.

>There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

At any rate, spending most of your time alone when you're the kind of person who needs to be around people to remain sane is going to give you depression, regardless of what substances you're taking.

Also -- it's cliched but that's because it works -- are any of your hobbies physical? Exercise works better than antidepressants, and depression can be reliably predicted by tracking the user's GPS coordinates (and detecting a reduction in physical movement).

Making friends as an adult, especially starting from zero, is a universal struggle, so try to avoid any negative self-talk or other things that may compound your loneliness. The usual advice works, but like all advice it only works when we’re ready for it to work. I wish I could offer more than platitudes, but you sound like you have a decent self-support system already, and maybe are just temporarily lacking in confidence.

Damn this thread is a gold mine. Wishing you the best. My advice is to prioritize health and exercise and spend time outside somewhere you can run into new interesting people. build a circle

I’m 40, and I’ve spent most of my life alone. To be clear, I’m an introvert, so being by myself is something I’m quite used to. Still, I think I have some experience that might be worth sharing:

1. Find something that’s truly yours. Remote work is fine, but having a personal project you genuinely enjoy is a completely different feeling. Try to find something like that.

2. Fill your day with structure. My day starts with reading and studying languages, then I go for a walk, work, read and learn more things, and relax in the evening.

3. Walk more. This habit is hugely underrated. One or two hours of walking a day, especially in the sun, can brighten even the darkest day.

4. Exercise. Almost everyone talks about it — because it works. And it works really well. The key is consistency.

5. Travel if you can. You’ll get a lot of new impressions and meet many interesting people.

6. Don’t just play games — watch them. I’m serious. As silly as it might sound, let’s plays can genuinely help with loneliness. There’s even research suggesting that people in streams can sometimes ease loneliness better than real-life friends. If games aren’t your thing, find streams on topics you enjoy.

7. And finally: as others here have already said — try to find yourself and understand yourself. Often loneliness isn’t about the absence of people, but about not being able to accept who you are.

Join Discord servers of your favorite games and join social servers, build/play with the same folks. It can be like playing in a local band (also a great way to socialize and find purpose).

I lived with my original family the with 8 other guys in the dorm room, then two, the by myself, got married, got divorced, lived alone for few years, got (and remained) married. I went through a good amount of settings. Here is my advice but take it with a grain of salt because it is all very individual.

First of all, however this relationship ended - you cannot sweep it under the rug. You need to process the grief. If you have means at all - seek professional help.

Second, video games, social media, substances - unless you are absolutely sure you can control it - is a way to the abyss. Don’t go there.

Third, learn to appreciate the advantages of being in the state you are. When I lived alone - I traveled to some beautiful but risky places where I would not take my mate. Did some martial arts because nobody would bat an eye if I got bruised.

Fourth - decide what is right for you and think hard about the life you want to live. Any popular non fiction book is necessarily not very deep but you can start with “Designing your life”.

HTH