Ask HN: How to be alone?

Looking back from the vantage point of 70+ years of life, and having seen many people experience this very thing, I think the key is to get to know yourself. That sounds cliche, I know. Up until now, you have defined yourself in terms of your relationships with other people: your family, your partner, your spouse, your work group, etc. Many of the folks I've known had never been on their own, never done their own laundry, cooked their own meals, and so on. When divorce hit, they were devastated. And socially set adrift. In a few cases, they responded by hooking up with the first person that gave them the time of day, which proved to be less than optimal. The more successful of those transitioning to being alone worked on learning who they were, what interested them, how to do the routine things that perhaps someone else did for them in the past, and so forth. One person I knew experienced this in their 40s. He prepared his first meal for himself at 46. After stumbling around a bit, he decided to throw himself into cooking, discovered that he loved it, and went to school to become a professional chef, giving up software development for cooking, less money but far happier. When we search for hobbies and connections, far too often we look where we've always been. For those of us in some computer related field, it may be programming, video games, and other tangential "hobbies". When we branch out, e.g., learn a musical instrument, take dancing or singing classes (great way to meet people), take up public speaking (Toastmasters), find a good gym, or any other pursuits, we discover things we never knew we loved and people from outside our usual social circles which up until then had been dominated by work relationships. Suddenly, one is no longer alone and forms friendships based on shared interests and mutual connection. Those friendships are more durable than most of the relationships one forms at work. And in the process, one may find a new romantic interest, or several. Bottom line, break out of your comfort zone, and try something new. And if you find that exceedingly difficult or even debilitating, perhaps seeking the help of a professional would be beneficial. No, none of this is easy, but it is a great opportunity to discover yourself, other people, and to enrich your life experience dramatically. Good luck.

How long has it been? It can’t not be hard at first. But if you try hard enough you’ll learn to be comfortable with yourself and be alone. Finding hobbies does help for sure, particularly those that involve people.

You could try yoga too, starting from scratch is a great place to begin. It’s a great tool to learn to see yourself objectively and be able to let external things affect you less. (I’ve been practicing for 10ish years and teaching for 5ish) Also yoga communities are usually great because it’s mostly people trying to actively improve themselves. But do go for the dynamic style if you try it, because it builds the mind but also the body. So even if you don’t get into the spiritual stuff, you always get a good workout.

Best of luck. Hope you can find the strength to embrace the pain and not flee or hide from it, because it truly makes us stronger.

>There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

At any rate, spending most of your time alone when you're the kind of person who needs to be around people to remain sane is going to give you depression, regardless of what substances you're taking.

Also -- it's cliched but that's because it works -- are any of your hobbies physical? Exercise works better than antidepressants, and depression can be reliably predicted by tracking the user's GPS coordinates (and detecting a reduction in physical movement).

A few things that have helped me in the past are: - Find small wins. Don't expect big changes immediately. Small wins accumulate over time. Examples: say hi to neighbors, go to a gym, work from a coffee shop etc. - Join a coworking space. This was a huge help personally. It still took more than a few months but this changed my life.

Hope these help a bit!

Maybe not specific advice for your situation but I've always found this poem moving and valuable when it comes to building comfort in being alone. I hope it helps you too https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=LwCMyP0L2vsllHJl

Making friends as an adult, especially starting from zero, is a universal struggle, so try to avoid any negative self-talk or other things that may compound your loneliness. The usual advice works, but like all advice it only works when we’re ready for it to work. I wish I could offer more than platitudes, but you sound like you have a decent self-support system already, and maybe are just temporarily lacking in confidence.

Damn this thread is a gold mine. Wishing you the best. My advice is to prioritize health and exercise and spend time outside somewhere you can run into new interesting people. build a circle

I’m 40, and I’ve spent most of my life alone. To be clear, I’m an introvert, so being by myself is something I’m quite used to. Still, I think I have some experience that might be worth sharing:

1. Find something that’s truly yours. Remote work is fine, but having a personal project you genuinely enjoy is a completely different feeling. Try to find something like that.

2. Fill your day with structure. My day starts with reading and studying languages, then I go for a walk, work, read and learn more things, and relax in the evening.

3. Walk more. This habit is hugely underrated. One or two hours of walking a day, especially in the sun, can brighten even the darkest day.

4. Exercise. Almost everyone talks about it — because it works. And it works really well. The key is consistency.

5. Travel if you can. You’ll get a lot of new impressions and meet many interesting people.

6. Don’t just play games — watch them. I’m serious. As silly as it might sound, let’s plays can genuinely help with loneliness. There’s even research suggesting that people in streams can sometimes ease loneliness better than real-life friends. If games aren’t your thing, find streams on topics you enjoy.

7. And finally: as others here have already said — try to find yourself and understand yourself. Often loneliness isn’t about the absence of people, but about not being able to accept who you are.

I lived with my original family the with 8 other guys in the dorm room, then two, the by myself, got married, got divorced, lived alone for few years, got (and remained) married. I went through a good amount of settings. Here is my advice but take it with a grain of salt because it is all very individual.

First of all, however this relationship ended - you cannot sweep it under the rug. You need to process the grief. If you have means at all - seek professional help.

Second, video games, social media, substances - unless you are absolutely sure you can control it - is a way to the abyss. Don’t go there.

Third, learn to appreciate the advantages of being in the state you are. When I lived alone - I traveled to some beautiful but risky places where I would not take my mate. Did some martial arts because nobody would bat an eye if I got bruised.

Fourth - decide what is right for you and think hard about the life you want to live. Any popular non fiction book is necessarily not very deep but you can start with “Designing your life”.

HTH

I guess no one is going to say the obvious, so I'll bite.

Find someone else, make this a top priority. Forget online dating, just go out and try to make connections. Make this a top priority, much like trying to find a new job.

The rest of the people giving you coping mechanisms is just slop. Most people aren't meant to be alone. You sound like one of these people. You're looking for life hacks to deal with something that sounds like it's very much a choice. Do not go gentle into that good night. It's not going to get easier. And God forbid you have some medical issues which we all inevitably do. Who is going to take care of you? Who are you going to spend your last breaths on? Some passive musings to a nurse?

Might be worth putting some focus on your physical health. That always pays dividends in every other aspect of your life.

Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more. Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin. Prioritize good sleep. Walk thirty minutes a day. Start paying attention to what you eat.

A religion you vibe with is probably the one shot for this. In my case that's a flavor of Buddhism with strong deity practices. Atheists home about imaginary friends, but...

It might be that you crave people in order to prove to yourself that you have people on your side. Might help to be alone for an extended period, then get together with someone afterwards to kind-of prove to your subconscious that relationships don't dissolve just because you're not constantly in contact.

> when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks.

As someone who lives alone, two ways I address this aspect: talk to yourself out loud and to your pets like they're people, and also write these things down in a journal. Every night after I get into bed but before I turn out the light and fall asleep, I write a journal entry. Sometimes they're quite mundane, exactly like your examples. "I cooked a steak for dinner that turned out better than I expected" or "Tomorrow I'm thinking about making some bread." There's no pressure on length of entry, I fill anywhere from three sentences to a full page each night, but it helps fill the 'how do I communicate this minor accomplishment or discomfort that nobody else cares about' need for me.

Join Discord servers of your favorite games and join social servers, build/play with the same folks. It can be like playing in a local band (also a great way to socialize and find purpose).

I think what you really need might be to make new connections. During difficult times in my personal life, what helped me most was really finding some community. I started online, on Reddit and Discord servers for Make Friends Over 30 and others (https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeFriendsOver30/). I'd highly recommend it. Also, finding things that get you out of the previous patterns you had for awhile. Gaming will be fun again another day. For now, go join a dart league or something (anything) to get around other people.

Sorry you're dealing with this. Hope things brighten up for you a bit.

Learn to be your best friend.

Understand that even though you are on medication you can still be depressed.

You just lost someone you loved. Someone who by the sounds of things was a joy to be around and share experiences with. Someone who helped give your life purpose and regulate your emotions.

A cynical way to look at it is that socialisation draws us out of our own minds and shifts our focus outwardly so we use it as an escape from our current mental state. So learn to be comfortable in your own mind.

Stop running away from the self you've never known.

I go to the library, farmer's markets, do group classes at the gym, and join groups that match my interests.

I'm the same way. I require people time, and work from home wears me down.

Living alone sucks. The transition period after a long relationship ends also sucks. No amount of advice from anyone can fill that void for you. Having said that, you have to at least give yourself a chance to go out there and stay in the real-world as much as possible. Some ways to do that would be to just walk around your city/locality/town aimlessly every day before or after your remote work time since there is no reason for you to stay at home beyond that time - have a step count goal - don't go back home until you hit that goal, treat yourselves to local food, make small talk with random strangers, get back on dating apps - meet people for fun. Staying outdoors, moving at all times or as much as possible can do wonders. Also, since you work remote, consider moving to a different place to work. Good luck.

So I am mostly a lurker here on HN for the past 15 years but I love the community and positivity and general helpfulnesses on this thread. You all are awesome and OP thanks for being vulnerable and I hope the community keeps loving on you!

"has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers"

Have you considered getting a second opinion on your meds? That sounds like a lot if that's 3 separate medications, and not without side effects which may be contributing to a lack of interest in interests.

100% group fitness classes. Orange Theory. I joined boxing, and lost 50+ pounds. Plus I met super nice people, and might have learned a little technique too. If you're single, I've been to two gyms (first one close) and both had majority 20-35 year old women (who could knock me out in seconds).

I would recommend trying out an active activity in your community that seems to be pretty popular. Not only will the physical activity be beneficial in physical and mental ways, but the communities are usually pretty welcoming to newcomers. I've met some great people via pickle ball, tennis, table tennis, jiu jitsu, and rock climbing gyms.

Keep the tv on it adds life.

Meeting new people and transforming that to having people around is a journey you haven't started.

I would use this time wisely. There are opportunities that weren't available to you before. Those free weekends can be spent doing something productive.

Find your goals and go after them. You are in the best spot don't waste it.

It's not just a hobby you need, it's purpose. For some that is a hobby. If you go the hobby route, try to look for one that has in person meetups. Others going through this use self-improvement as their purpose (gym, suit up, etc). Church works for some. Consider some continuing education courses. Would charity work suit you? There are places like habitat for humanity that you can volunteer at. Maker spaces can be fun. You might also want to try out working from a co-working space.

Most responses are about how not to be alone. Your question reminded me of an old YouTube video I found helpful called how to be alone: https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs

Might be helpful to go into the office once a week or so?

Don’t immediately go looking for things to fill the empty spaces. There is a lot of value in being able to sit with oneself and one’s thoughts.

It’s also not a bad time to start practicing mindfulness/meditation if you are not already.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your suffering. Have you considered giving your life to Jesus? It can be a great source of healing and comfort in your time of need. I'd be happy to talk to you about (even privately) if it would be helpful.

I just started going to the gym, being a little more self-loving, and paying attention to my appearance and behaviour.

If you’re alone but look good enough for your age and are an interesting person, it’s just a matter of time before you have somebody around.

> But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.

Based on experience of someone in my family, I ask: are you and your doctor sure that the mood stabilizers themselves aren’t making that hard?

I've had several instances in my life where I've been alone for extended periods of time, almost at the same age you are now. I've generally enjoyed it, but not sure what the "How To" is for being alone. For me I've used my alone time to do new/learn things. I taught myself parkour, went and did Brazilian jiujitsu for years, did painting/art classes, went indoor rock climbing, read a lot more on philosophy, went to philosophy groups, joined my local humanist/secular society, worked out a lot more and went running, worked on my own programming projects, geocached, went to local lectures/presentations, all kinds of things. Basically I just followed any random thing my brain thought was interesting. As a side effect I ended up meeting a lot more people than I would have otherwise. I remember feeling anxious when I first became alone but I focused on the fact that I had a lot of freedom. Once you start experiencing your own freedom it feels good! It took a bit, I remember I felt mentally shackled about what I could do, but as I did things I just found there was more that I wanted to do.

I'm a little baffled. Do you live in a wilderness? In the list of potential things you gave, there are few social activities. Find a club for one of your hobbies. Find a group exercise program. Volunteer for an organization you are passionate about.

Also, being alone out in nature can be very beneficial for you.

Maybe find a therapist to help you decouple yourself from your prior relationship.

So many takes and advices that could be taken on this topic, I'll keep my $0.02 short: Get a pet.

Perhaps this can also save you a little bit on psychotherapist costs: Learn to like yourself, and your own company.

Humans are social animals though, but don't try to be social for the sake of it, do things you like that involve people, and be nice to them. OTOH, I've met a couple of Uber drivers that are in it just for the social interaction of it (like retirees mostly). Others here will probably have better tips on this topic though, hope that helps.

Being alone is painful, this is not a bug, it's a feature.

You mentioned it, but I'll go deeper: the dog park.

In reality, this applies to any third place, but we'll go with the dog park.

I've been going to my local dog park nearly every day for the almost 14 years. Over time, I've met many of the best friends and best humans that I've known in my entire life. I have a group of regulars that evolves over time, and we're all good friends now. I also regularly see acquaintances who show up less often. This has been fantastic for my mental health.

So, again, this really applies to any third place. Go to church, a lot, if that's your thing. Join a bowling club and get deeply involved. Join a climbing gym and go all the time, and strike up conversations with people. Join a martial arts organization and get seriously involved.

The keys are to socialize and to fill up your time.

> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

You can have a great psychiatrist and be on a cocktail of mood-altering drugs and still be depressed. I know because I lived that way for many years. The sooner you admit to yourself that you're depressed, the sooner you can start trying to work through it. Cause that's the only solution to depression: working through it.

I mean, it's not really fair for me to armchair diagnose you and I'm certainly without qualification to do so. I'm just telling you what I recognize in your words. I refused to admit that I was depressed in 2020 (who wasn't that year) because that would "make it real." Once I finally stopped trying to trick myself out of it, I was able to accept my situation and even that was a slight relief (though certainly not a cure).

I wish you all the best. I really do. It's gonna be really difficult if I'm right, but me pretending that it won't be isn't gonna help you. All I can say is that I'm confident that you'll get to the other side eventually if you don't give up. I believe that to be true for most people and you haven't said anything that makes it seem untrue for you. I wish for you courage.

You have MANY options:

OPTION 1: What ever you are into, see if there is a club in your town for that.

e.g. the suburban town I live in has a:

- rock climbing club

- board game club

- maker lab at the library

- Italian speaker's club

- and more

OPTION 2: Start a club

If you don't find a club you like: start one!

I did this with the town rock climbing club. I went on the town dad's Facebook and asked "anyone want to go rock climbing?", multiple people responded and now we have a club.

Fun fact: me starting the climbing club directly inspired the founder of the board game club to start that club too

OPTION 3: Host a cocktail party

If that sounds daunting, I can assure you it's not that hard and there is even a n EXCELLENT book by Nick Gray called The Two Hour Cocktail Part [0]

It lays out, step by step, all of the steps from invite to scheduling to name tags etc etc. It's like cookbook for how to have a great party.

And the idea is to make it less than 2 hours on a Mon/Tue/Fri so setup is easy and pressure to impress etc is low.

OPTION 4: Invite other people you know out for a drink/plate of wings etc

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is starving for time out away from their life. Whether it be single people, married people, old people, young people etc, everyone wants something to do outside the house.

Don't believe me? Search "dad loneliness" on Reddit. It's post after post of dad's, probably about your age, saying "Man, I wish someone would just call me and say 'hey, what's a good time to grab a beer next week?' "

0 - https://amzn.to/4rpUAhv

The gym is a great way to be around other people without any expectation or commitment. Malls are good too. Grocery shopping. Working at a coffee shop here and there.

Try out a new hobby, maybe take Salsa classes. Anything to be around people, don’t try to be comfortable alone.

I dont know if this will help you, but i want to improve my english, so maybe we can chat a bit about life, or coding or whatever you have in mind.

Being lonely is difficult. A lot of people will try to tell you that it is not or that you should be OK with it. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice is moralizing, the sort of "there must be something wrong with you if you can't be by yourself for long periods of time." This really annoys me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with people! Being social is one of our most fundamental needs. But just look at all the negative health benefits loneliness brings about[1]. If you wouldn't be OK with a friend smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you probably shouldn't be OK with yourself being lonely for most days.

Humans are social animals. Yes, some people are not like this. But if you feel unhappy when you are alone, there is nothing wrong with you. This only means that you are normal.

That aside -- what do you do when you are lonely? "Easy": Go to places where there are people doing stuff and join them. Eventually you will make weak connections. Ask these people to hang out in other contexts. You are done. There are no tricks. The hard part is it takes effort and time - you need to show up over weeks or months, and following up with people outside of the event and making plans is effortful.

If you want one really targeted tip: I love pickleball. Unlike almost any other sport, pickleball has a community where you can just wander over to a pickleball court and join in with virtually anyone. Also, it's great exercise, so even if you don't meet anyone you like, you still got healthier anyways - it's a win-win.

[1]: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-beast/2023...

don't problematize it. you get target lock from that and it will derail you from the things you enjoy.

the real questions are:

- what would you like? - what would you do if you wouldn't fail?

I live in the proverbial cottage in the woods, have for years now, more Thoreau's Walden than Kaczinsky's cabin by far. The solitude is the most precious thing.

I chop a lot of wood, practice classical music, walk my dog and ride horses. I sit by a fire year round a couple times a week. Some years I do a garden. I'm in constant training in arts.

I also have a pretty intense job (security) that benefits from being able to walk and have lunch by the river in a forest.

The things I tend to avoid because they are degrading to the human spirit are:

- political accounts

- dating sites

- mainstream news

- social media

- exurbs

- franchises or big box anything

- microsoft anything

- shelf stable foods

it's only a problem if you make it one.

> I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that,

But this is a psychological trick. You "just" have to find your adaptation strategy and a way to move on.

I'd also suggest to see someone. Simply to talk it out and find those things in the process.

This feeling of loneliness is hard to fill. It takes time. I'm a pretty lonely person for other reasons, I go out and have friends but I find that there is too much noise in my mind and the moments of genuine connection are rare. I'm now reading books on chan (zen) and learning to cultivate and enjoy a more peaceful mind. I've finished therapy and been a psychiatric patient for years. Nothing worked until it did. It's constant education. I'm not claiming to be cured or healthy, but I'm happy. I can imagine how hard it is for you becoming so sudden.

There's definitely a lot of paths you can explore. There is therapy, philosophy, experiences. You can go to therapy to find answers. Even to find a first step. You can read any sort of books to find myriad new ways in which you could perceive the world and yourself in it. And the experiences come along the way. If you are taking the effort that is good. To take up effort you need to see the future. Seems like you believe in it, but wish to see it clearer. Just know that at the beginning of the path nothing is clear, but time is the only constant. And that every feeling is there to tell you something but you only need to recognize it. If it's still there trying to break through, let it through. With every move you make progress. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck my friend.

Audiobooks are a good way to not feel alone in your head.

If you struggle being alone - you're not meant to be alone. It's not everyone's cup of tea